Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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Another Friday and timme for some humour.

Another load of quick ones, including some dark ones and some that have been in Bytes before.

Some risque content too. Proceed at own risk if easily offended.

Enjoy, readers.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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What does my dad have in common with Nemo?

They both can’t be found.

I have a fish that can breakdance!

Only for 20 seconds, though, and only once.

What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car?

Its butt.

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

"Usually an overdose, son", I told him.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped, though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandfather.

Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried,

I think she’s jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf

“What’s your name, son?” the principal asked his student.

The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked.

The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

I was drinking a martini, and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet,” and we all laughed and laughed.

Well, except one person.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face.

My parents are the worst.

Cremation.

My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We’ll see about that.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”?

Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."

Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.

"Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"

I threw a boomerang a few years ago.

Now I live in constant fear.

My grief counsellor died, but he was so good at his job that I don’t even care.

My spouse treats me like God: generally ignoring until they want something.

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This has been in Bytes a few times but worth another posting:

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approached from the back , she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they have gotten the cow. "You are truly wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

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