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Enjoy readers.
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SOME HUMOUR:
__________
If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books, it spells out a secret message:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
__________
A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.
“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”
“I’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham,” replies the old man.
“How do you know you’re going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.
“I already speak Russian."
__________
I launched a series of books aimed at teenagers last week.
Managed to hit three of the little shits.
(Similar but somewhat gross…
I released my own fragrance today….the people in the car didn’t like it)
__________
I went to the bookstore to buy a book about paranoia.
I asked the person behind the counter where they were, and she said "they're all around you" ...
__________
I bought a book on procrastination, I'll start reading it tomorrow.
__________
I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...
She laughed at me, and said
"Oh uncle, you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
__________
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat
She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.
__________
Years ago, my mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.
I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.
__________
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for years?
Church
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So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."
"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.
"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.
"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was an old man
From Peru, whose lim'ricks all
Look'd like haiku. He
Said with a laugh "I
Cut them in half, the pay is
Much better for two."
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GALLERY:
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CORN CORNER:
__________
My girlfriend wants to break up with me because she says I am unAmerican.
I could see that coming a kilometre away.
__________
HELP! I’m a 39-year-old doctor (6'1, 315lbs) and random strangers keep asking me if it's going to rain – why??
Why would they turn to a meaty urologist for the weather?
__________
My best friend’s teacher told him he was ‘worthless and would never amount to anything.’
Which was particularly hurtful.
Especially since he is home schooled.
__________
We should have known communism was a bad idea
There were a lot of red flags
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