FUNNY FRIDAY

---- 😊😊😊 -----

A mixed collectionn of humour today, readers, but hoefully ones that will bring at least a chuckle.

Some risque ones as well, be warned.

Enjoy.

---- 😊😊😊 -----

SOME HUMOUR:

__________

Did you hear about Tupperware filing for bankruptcy?

The story broke before they could put a lid on it

Tupperware files for bankruptcy, which is a surprise.

I thought their finances would have been airtight.

Some reader comments:

It’s because they couldn’t keep a lid on their constant parties.

Did you hear the inventor died? They struggled for ages to find the right lid for the coffin

"A Tupperware lid would be the perfect murder weapon–no one would ever be able to find it."

I mean, their name is "top-are-where"

__________

Today the CEO of my company came in to the office in a brand new BMW.

“Nice car”, I complimented him.

“Well”, he said, “if you put in enough time, effort, and dedication, and work as hard as you can then next year I’ll have even a better car.”

__________

My wife prepared a list of 33 items I needed to get from the market. She warned me not to forget a single thing.

I forgot the shopping list.

__________

A woman has her 100 birthday.

As usual, local newspaper sends a guy to interview her. What is your secret? How do you stay healthy?

Well, nothing special. If I get up with a stomach bug, I drink a glass of beer. High blood pressure? A glass of whiskey. Low blood pressure? A glass of red wine. No appetite? A glass of white wine. Cold, Flu? A shot of vodka.

The shocked correspondent understands whom is he talking to, so he decided to ask just one more question. So when do you drink water?

Water? Let's see... No, I've never been that sick!

---- 😊😊😊 -----

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?", asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

---- 😊😊😊 -----

LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

Said an ape as he swung by his tail,

To his offspring both female and male,

"From your offspring, my dears,

In a couple of years,

May evolve a professor at Yale."

---- 😊😊😊 -----

GALLERY:

Sent to me by John P, thanks John:

---- 😊😊😊 -----

RELIGION SPOT

One day, 3 men died and went to heaven

"Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man. "Jewish," the man replied. "Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said. "Religion?" he asked the second man. "Muslim." "Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8." "Religion?" he asked the third man. "Agnostic." "Go to room 71, but be very quiet when you go past room 8." "Why must I be quiet when I go past room 8?" the man asked. The secretary replied, "Oh, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think that they are they only ones here."

---- 😊😊😊 -----

LAW & LAWYERS

A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled.

The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”.

Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”

Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.”

His brother apologized.

“…and they didn’t include the phone number!”

---- 😊😊😊 -----

CORN CORNER:

__________

6:30 is the best time

Hands down.

__________

To the person who stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

__________

I never understood why childbirth is called delivery.

It should have been called takeout instead.

---- 😊😊😊 -----