FUNNY FRIDAY

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I was speaking with someone a few days ago who told me he was severely blocked up and needed to buy suppositories. I know that it isn’t a pleasant condition so I told him the joke you will see below in From the Vault. I don’t know whether it helped or hindered.

Anyway, there are some more jokes on that theme below.

Caution: risqué humour included.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Strike at suppository factory . . .

Many impacted.

They’re trying really hard to work it out, production is quite backed up.

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An old couple came to the hospital because the husband had problems with his stomach. The doctor was quite busy and after a brief checkup prescribes a suppository.

The old man comes out the room and his wife asks “What’s the medicine?”

“Don’t know.”

“Well, go ask the doctor.”

The old man returns to the doctor: “Excuse me, what did you prescribe me?”

“It’s a suppository.”

“I see. Thank you.”.

When the old man comes out again his wife asks “What was it?”

“It’s a ‘suppository’.”

“What’s a suppository?”

“Don’t know.”

“Well, then go ask him.”.

The old man again goes to the doctor.

“I’m terribly sorry, what do I do with the ‘suppository’?”

“Use it once a day in the morning.”

“Ah, I see. Thank you.”.

The wife: “Well, how do you take it?”

“Once a day.”

“With water?”

“Don’t know.”

“Well, ask him again.”

The old man enters again

“I’m very sorry, but how should I take it?”

“Just shove it up your arse.”

The old man comes back and tells his wife: “Let’s just go home. He got really angry.”.

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The above joke reminds me of another that strictly should be in From the Vault . . .

An elderly chap living in the bush felt sickly and went to the doctor for a look at. The doctor looked him over and said, "Bring a urine specimen to me in the morning to help me find out what’s wrong."

He went home and said to his wife "The doc wants me to bring him a specimen in the morning. What’s a specimen?”

When his wife said that she didn’t know either, he said “I’ll go ask the brother.”

“Don’t go near your brother,” she says, “you know you two always argue and it always ends in a blue.”

“What can go wrong?” he asked. “I’m just asking him for some information.”

He returned some time later with his clothes torn, a black eye and bruises.

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph,” said his wife. “What happened this time?”

“All I know is that when I saw him I asked him what a specimen was,” replied her husband. “He said ‘Piss in a bottle’, so I said 'Go shit in yer hat !' and that’s when the fight started.”

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A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

The doctor replied “Don’t worry, those are just contractions!”

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A man walks into a bar and orders a 21-year-old whiskey

He takes a sip and then spits it out.

"I asked for a 21-year-old, this is 18 years! I'm not paying! Give me a 12-year-old cognac."

The bartender serves him, and the man spits it out again.

"This is only 10 years! I'm not paying!"

The bartender starts getting frustrated. After more and more drinks with the same reaction, the bartender serves another one and says:

"This one's on the house."

The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out.

"This tastes like piss!"

"Now tell me, how old am I?"

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A man goes to the doctor with haemorrhoids.

The doctor prescribes him a suppository and tells him to use up to two daily as needed until the problem subsides. The man has never used a suppository before.

A few days later the doctor sees the man in the street and asks him how the suppositories went.

“For all the good they did,” he replies, “I might as well have shoved them up my arse.”

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

(‘Sheik’ is pronounced ‘shake’ in the limerick below).

There was an Arabian sheik

Who entered his harem and speik:

‘A loud cry I heard

In here it occurred.

Are my fifty-two children aweik?'

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin

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My girlfriend found letters I was hiding and now she knows I've been cheating.

She says she'll never play Scrabble with me again.

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The countryside is great...

Unless you want to buy anything, go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone.

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This one's for you, Dave . . .

Chatting in the pub with my Scottish pal and I was stuck on a crossword clue; "Stranded on a Desert Island, 8 letters."

"Marooned" he said.

I replied “Oh that’s nice of you, I’ll have another beer but I still need an answer for my crossword.”

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