Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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G'day readers.

Last week we had some canine humour; today it is feline.

Enjoy.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, “I have good news and bad news.”

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There are two types of people,

1. People who can extrapolate from incomplete data

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What do libertarians and house cats have in common?

They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.

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A cat owner invited their neighbour over for dinner and introduced their four cats. "That's Alogue, Aract, Erpillar, and Astrophe," they announced. The neighbour was surprised and asked, Where on Earth did you get those names?

Oh, those are their last names, the owner said. Their first names are Cat.

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I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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I remember learning about Pavlov in Psychology class thinking “those dogs are really stupid.” Then the bell went off and we went to lunch.

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Lady, walking down the street on her way to work, passes the same pet store every day.

One morning she notices a new parrot in the open store front. As she passes the store the parrot whistles and say ‘wow are you ugly’! She thinks little of it.

Next day and as she passes the store the bird whistles and say ‘jeeez you are butt ugly’!

Similar insults are hurled over the next two days.

Upset, the woman enters the pet store to speak with the owner. The owner is dumbfounded, he says they got the bird from an old man who passed about a year ago, the bird is very well trained and he doesn’t know much more. He says he will talk to the bird and keep an eye on it as she passes the next day.

The following day the woman walks by the pet store, the parrot is outside on its perch leering at her as she walks by. The bird remains quiet…until the woman has fully passed the store and makes the mistake of looking back at the bird. To this the bird looks at the woman, lifts his chin towards her and says ‘you know’.

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A teacher explained biology to her 3rd-grade students. She said, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raised her hand saying, "I had a kittycat that stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well,'' she began, "I was in the backyard with my kitty when the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary."

The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood, walked to the podium and said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath..

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had stares from people all around.

Finally at age 21 his brother turning 19 begged him to come to a bar with him and some friends. He said "you're out of school now, people are more accepting of your eye and you won't get made fun of, I promise!" After enough convincing he decided he would go. Still a virgin he was very hopeful of meeting a nice young lady.

When they arrive at this dance bar the man with a wooden eye found a nice low lit spot in the corner. As he scanned the room he saw a girl in the opposite corner with a really big nose! He thought to himself, maybe she feels like me and is just tucking away herself. He really wanted to ask her to dance. After a few minutes he conjured up the courage to ask her to dance. He makes his way across the dance floor with his heart pounding and palms sweating he reaches her and says...

"Heyyy ahhh would.... Would... Would you like to go for a dance with me?"

The lady responds "Would’n I!"

He replies "Fuck you big nose!!"

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