FUNNY FRIDAY

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Friend and colleague Leo M sent me the following item:

Thanks Leo.

Here is another version:

Can’t go past that for a theme for this Funny Friday: barbecues.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A preamble to the first joke:

- Canadians are renowned for being polite, happy, courteous and cheerful.

- The Toronto Maple Leafs (officially the Toronto Maple Leaf Hockey Club and often referred to as the Leafs) are a professional ice hockey team based in Toronto. Winning their last championship in the 1966–67 season, the Maple Leafs' 57-season drought between championships is the longest drought in league history.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realises he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

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Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then He asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive motorcycles, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

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You Might be a Redneck Jedi If…

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya’ll."

* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

* Wookies are offended by your B.O.

* You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

* You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side… it’ll be a hoot."

* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

* You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

* You were the only one drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

* Your business cards read "Billy Bob, Jedi Master".

* You know Ewoks squeal like pigs.

* You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster.

* Your land-speeder had a light saber rack.

* If you hear … "Billy Bob, I am your father … AND your uncle!"

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A skydiver jumps from a plane but nothing happens when he pulls his rip-cord. He pulls the cord on his secondary chute, but this too is broken. As he is hurdling toward the earth, he sees a man coming straight up toward him. ‘Hey!’ shouts the skydiver. ‘Know anything about parachutes?!’ ‘No!’ shouts the man. ‘Know anything about gas barbecues?!’

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I was at a family barbecue yesterday night and my great grandma started giggling.

When I asked her what was so funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”

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This guy dies and goes to hell

Arriving there, he gets really sad because he didn't expect eternal suffering.

As the devil is receiving him, he asks:'Why are you sad?'

The guy replies: 'Because now I'll suffer for eternity.'

'Relax!' the devil says, 'this place ain't as bad as they say. Listen, do you like alcohol?'

'Yes! I love drinking.'

'So you are going to love mondays. We have top quality beer and whiskey! Do you like drugs?'

'Yeah, I did some in college.'

'So Tuesdays are going to be great. We have weed, molly, coke, heroin, you name it! Do you enjoy gambling?'

'Of course!' said the man, with a smile on his face.

'On wednesdays we turn this place into a cassino! High stakes poker, blackjack and anything you can think of. What about food? You're not vegan, are you?'

'Hell no! I love meat and fatty food!'

'Great! We have a big barbecue on thursdays! Erhm... are you gay?'

'No! I'm straight!'

'Oh, then you're going to hate Fridays...'

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

A preoccupied vegan named Hugh
picked up the wrong sandwich to chew.
He took a big bite
before spitting, in fright,
"OMG, WTF, BBQ!"

(The beauty of the above limerick is that the last line works as letters or the words that the letters stand for.)

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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A couple of cannibals meet one day and the first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked them, roasted them, stewed them and barbecued them. I've tried every sort of marinade and I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibals asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?" The other replies, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"

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What do you call a Jewish minister who barbecues?

A Ribeye.

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George Takei, George Clooney, George Lucas, and George R.R. Martin decided to have a barbecue.

They named their little get-together the "George" Four-Man Grill.

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At the office barbecue, I grilled a medium rare steak for my boss, and he said, “I like it well done!”

I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

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People in Saudi Arabia don't like the Flintstones...

But people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!!!!!

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Dallas: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Ripley: "In space no-one can, here use cream"

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