FUNNY FRIDAY

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During the week someone repeated an old joke:

“Who was that lady I saw you with last night?”

“That was no lady, that was my wife.”

I responded with a variation:

One musician to another: “Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?”

Second musician: “That was no piccolo, that was my fife.”

I know, they’re both groaners rather than knee slappers but it sets the theme for today’s Funny Friday: musical instruments. A lot of those are groaners as well.

Enjoy folks.

As always, a warning that there is risqué content ahead. Risque content about musical instruments?? Yessiree.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

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Steal a man’s wallet, and he’ll be poor for a day…

Teach him to play an instrument, and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life.

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Dude walks into a party dressed as an instrument.

Dude: How do you like my harp costume, bro?

Bro: Dude, that's actually too small to be a harp, man.

Dude: Are you calling me a lyre?

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No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"

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Accordion to research, 9/10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

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A man went into a music shop looking for a new instrument.

The owner introduced him to a lot of different instruments: flutes, trumpets, drums and guitars but none of them caught the man's interest.

The man nearly gives up when he spots a saxophone hanging in the corner. He tries it and it really has that sound he was looking for, except it lacks something he can't quite put his finger on.

Man: "I really like this saxophone, but can you do something to improve the sound, perhaps make it more rock'n'roll?"

Owner: "Well I guess I could hook you up to this amplifier?"

Man: "Yeah, that would be great, but what I really want is for the saxophone itself to have that rock'n'roll feeling."

Owner: "I think I've got just the thing!"

So the owner takes the saxophone into the back and comes back some time later. Now the saxophone is fitted with a guitar neck, pick-ups and a cool classic rock paint job.

Owner: "I had some spare parts lying around from an old Fender Stratocaster, so I've modified your saxophone to get that feeling you were after. What do you think?"

The man is besides himself with joy, pays right away and begins to leave to take his new instrument home with him and begin his new career as a rock musician.

Owner: "Hang on! Before you leave. Would you like me to register your new purchase to your name? saves a lot of trouble if there's any problems down the line."

Man: "No way! I'm not gonna bring a registered Sax-o-Fender into my house!"

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A guy goes to the doctor with a problem with his penis. The doctor takes a look and his penis is shaped uncannily like a saxophone.

"Wow”, the doctor exclaims, "that's incredible."

"Yes," replies the guy, "in my family we all have genitals that resemble various musical instruments."

"Really?" the doctor says. "It's strange you say that because, about a year ago I had a woman in my surgery who's vagina was exactly the same shape and size as a mouth organ."

"Yep”, the guy nods, "that'll be our Monica."

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What's better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

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What's a world famous, four-man rock group that doesn't sing or play instruments?

Mount Rushmore.

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A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service, for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery, in the remote countryside, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As the bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost. He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologised to the workers for his tardiness, then stepped to the side of the open grave where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers he would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. The piper played out his heart and soul.

As he played, the workers began to weep. He played everything from "Going Home" and "The Lord is My Shepherd", to "Flowers of the Forest", closing with "Amazing Grace". He then packed up his bagpipes, and walked back to his car.

As he drove off, one of the workers said to another, "Sweet Jesus, Mary ’n Joseph, I have never seen nothin’ like that before... and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!"

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Two hillbillies got married. On their wedding night, the hillbilly groom admitted that he was a virgin and didn't really know what to do.

The hillbilly bride, who was much experienced, just giggled and said, "Silly, you just take that thing you play with and put it where I pee." So he got up, grabbed his banjo and threw it in the sink.

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The above joke reminds me of a Tarzan joke that is not instrumental but worth a repost:

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle she was very attracted to him. During her questions about his life she asked him what he did about sex.

"What that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Tarzan use hole in tree!"

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, dropped to the ground and pointed to her privates.

"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.

Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees first!"

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An English spy, a Scottish spy and an Irish spy are captured by the Nazis.

The Nazis ask if they have any last wishes.

The Irishman says "I want the Irish national anthem to be played before I die.

The Scot says "I want the Scottish anthem to be played on bagpipes before I die."

The Englishman says "I wanna die first."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There was a young man of Natal

And Sue was the name of his gal.

He went out one day

For a rather long way –

In fact, right up Sue’z Canal.

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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A cat owner invited their neighbor over for dinner and introduced their four cats. "That's Alogue, Aract, Erpillar, and Astrophe," they announced. The neighbor was surprised and asked, Where on Earth did you get those names?

Oh, those are their last names, the owner said. Their first names are Cat.

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An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub.

The Scotsman says "Drinks for everyone in the house, on me. I'm paying everybody's tab for the night!" The pub erupts in cheers.

The next day, the headline of the front page of the newspaper read "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind local pub"

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Doctor, I think I'm going deaf.

What are the symptoms?

They're a yellow cartoon family that live in Springfield, but I don't see how that's important.

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Just got back from the doctors.

He said I've got to have an earring made.

What a strange thing to say.