Nursery Rhymes Updated for the 21st Century

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. 

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. 

The structure of the wall was incorrect, 

So he won ten grand with Claims Direct. 

It's raining, it's pouring 

Of course...it's global warming. 

Jack and Jill went into town 

To fetch some chips and sweeties. 

Now, he can't keep his heart rate down 

And she's got diabetes. 

Mary had a little lamb 

It ran into a pylon. 

10,000 volts went up its arse 

And turned its wool to nylon. 

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie 

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play 

He kissed them too, cause he was gay. 

Jack and Jill Went up the hill 

And planned to do some kissing. 

Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass, 

Now his two front teeth are missing. 

Mary had a little lamb 

Its fleece was white and wispy. 

Then it caught Foot and Mouth 

And now it's black and crispy. 

Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides, 

And every time that Mary walked the boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt 'twas split right up the front,

...but she didn't wear that one very often.

Jack and Jill went up the hill 

For just an itty bitty. 

Jill's now two months overdue, 

And Jack has left the city 

Little Boy Blue come blow your horn, 

The sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn. 

Where is the boy who looks after the sheep? 

He's under the haystack with Little Bo Peep. 

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair; 

Said Simple Simon to the pie man "What have you got there?" 

Said the pie man to Simple Simon "What do you expect me to have?" 

“I’m the pie man, so I’ve got pies, you fucking dozy chav.” 

"Pussycat, pussycat, where have you been? 

Have you been up to London to visit the Queen?" 

“No, I haven’t, didn’t you hear my meow? 

I’ve been locked in the garage you bloody stupid cow.” 

Little Jack Horner sat in the corner 

Of a fashionable eatery, 

When his food arrived in its design contrived 

He said “What’s this supposed to be?” 

Jack and Jill went up the hill, 

They took with them a bucket. 

Jack made a play, Jill said “No way.” 

So he said to himself “Oh, bother.” 

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, 

The cow jumped over the moon. 

We just couldn’t wait to have more fun 

As we heated some more in a spoon. 

Old Mother Hubbard 

Went to the cupboard 

To get her and doggie some bread, 

When she got there 

The cupboard was bare 

So she ate the doggie instead. 

(Yes, I am aware of the alternative rude version). 

As I was going to St. Ives 

I met a man with seven wives, 

Seven wives, now that’s quite tough, 

I’ve got one and that’s enough!