Bytes: Funny Friday

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The end of the week, dear readers, the weekend approacheth so time for some smiles.

As usual, a caution that there is risqué humour ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

I was having dinner recently with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

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A priest walks into a bar and takes a seat near the bartender.

Priest: "Gimme a shot of whiskey and leave the bottle."

Bartender, pours him a drink: "Rough day?"

Priest: "One of the worst in a while. I wish I just worked here.."

Bartender: "I doubt that, I bet my job is just as bad as yours, if not worse"

Priest: "I just had to spend the entire day listening to people confess their sins. For hours and hours, people told me the terrible things they have done. It was a living nightmare!"

Bartender: "That's it? Sounds like my average night here."

Priest: "Afterwards, I had to preform an exorcism. The girl kept screaming profanities, throwing up all over the place, and on several occasions, she actually tried to attack me."

Bartender, laughs: "Sounds like most of my regulars"

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A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of

Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after awhile, she finds herself

Thinking: 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips; He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly: 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

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On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - you're supposed to turn your clock back".

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FROM THE VAULT:

One night after a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:

"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it, or Mum can do it. If need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

Watching TV with my wife, I remarked that a woman’s chest on the screen of the program we were watching did not seem to be . . . symmetrical. She accused me of ogling her bosoms, prompting me to remark that even poets have written about this phenomenon. So, Kate, in my defence I offer the following . . .

To his bride said the keen-eyed detective,

"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?

Has your east tit the least bit

The best of your west tit,

Or is it a trick of perspective?"

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GALLERY: