Bytes: Funny Friday

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Another Friday, a week closer to the US elections and a week closer to Christmas. We are living in interesting times and they continue to become more and more interesting.

The saying "May you live in interesting times" is not a blessing but supposedly the translation of a Chinese curse. However there is no known equivalent expression in Chinese, the nearest related Chinese expression translating as "Better to be a dog in times of tranquility than a human in times of chaos." The meaning of "May you live in interesting times" means that life is better in "uninteresting times" of peace and tranquility than in "interesting" ones, which are usually times of trouble.

Here are some bits of humour to lighten the day and help with the interesting times but, be warned, they include risque content and language.

Oh, some Pope jokes are also included.

Stay safe, readers, I wish you uninteresting times.

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SOME HUMOUR:

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and, surprisingly, they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".

Surprised, the Pope follows up with: "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"

The alien sees that the Pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize. "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"

The Pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"

The alien says "Yeah, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"

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I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank quite a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"

One of them snapped back saying, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologised and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

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Don't go to the pub.

Don't meet up with your friends.

Don't come home with an infection.

Honestly, Daniel Andrews is starting to sound like my fucking girlfriend.

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The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

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FROM THE VAULT:

The Pope arrives at Heaven’s Gate.

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the Pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic Church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on Earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on Earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (Yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus re-enters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

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Trotted out previously but always good for another outing . . .

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.

"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.

"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.

"No, no that's what this fish is called," says the priest.

"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.

"Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker", says the bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

This has also previously been posted but was sent to me by son Thomas. It is also worth reposting, and is by Leigh Mercer: