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A mixed bag today, readers, things to offend please everybody.
Even some pirate jokes for International Talk Like a Pirate Day tomorrow. Arrghh.
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SOME HUMOUR:
A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
awyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.
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German tourist visits Poland
Guy at the airport: Nationality?
German dude: German
Guy at the airport: Occupation?
German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation.
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IF YOU SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK SAYING "CLICK HERE FOR TRUMP NUDES" DON'T OPEN IT
IT’S A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
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FROM THE VAULT:
A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum. "Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?" "Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum." "That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said. "Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk."
"Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?" "Arrrgh! A seagull shat in it!" said the pirate. "A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he asked. "Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."
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A pirate goes to the doctor, worried the moles on his back are cancerous. "It's okay," says the Doctor "They're benign." "Count 'em again, Doc," says the pirate. "I reckon there be at least ten"
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young fellow named Phil,
Who courted a charmer named Lil;
Then followed, of course,
A suit for divorce.
So you see he is courting her still.
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GALLERY:
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CORN CORNER:
Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?
My wife: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.
Me: My truck.
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My daughter has been learning Spanish for a year now but still can’t say “please”
Which I think is poor for four
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This one’s for Joe:
What’s it called when someone invests all their money in hard liquor?
Whiskey business
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Tonight I am going to reveal my new kitchen appliance
It'll be a blender reveal party
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Keep these up, they're funnier than I expected.
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