Bytes: Funny Friday

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Hopefully, readers, the blog glitches have gone and you will be receiving emails normally again.

I was in 2 minds about posting humour on 9/11 but decided that honouring in memory is fine and that life continues as normal, or at least as normal as it can be in the current Age of Covid.

So here is an appropriate image for the day . . .

Caution: some risqué humour ahead.

Stay safe, readers.

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SOME HUMOUR:

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

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A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stock prices rose and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time in opening the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The simple message said, “Prepare three envelopes…”

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A recycled oldie and a classic . . .

Donald trump is having tea with the Queen in Buckingham Palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intelligent, the Queen calls for Boris Johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The Queen asks him, "Your mother has a child who isn't your brother or your sister. Who is this?". Boris thinks for a moment and says, "That's a simple question, Your Highness. It's me!"

Donald is fascinated by this.

Later, when he returns to the US, he asks Mike Pence, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brother or your sister. Who is this?"

Mike Pence scratches his head for a good 10 minutes before he gives up.

Donald Trump, furious that his Vice President is too dumb to figure out this riddle, angrily states, "You idiot, it's Boris Johnson!"

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

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My son asked me "Where does poo come from?"

I was a little uncomfortable, but I sat him down and gave him an honest explanation.

He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds, then asked "And Tigger?"

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I know this is corn but it’s just too good to put in Corn Corner:

My son’s team won the soccer tournament, so the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party afterwards.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

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FROM THE VAULT:

A man gets onto a plane and is stunned to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The plane takes off and the stewardesses start to do their rounds.

"I'd like a cup of coffee please" says the man to the stewardess when she comes over to take his order. "And get me a whiskey you ugly old cow" squawks the parrot. The man is shocked and the stewardess hurries off all flustered. She comes back almost immediately with the parrot's whiskey but is so flustered that she forgets the man's coffee.

Five minutes later the man still doesn't have his coffee so he calls the stewardess over again. "Can I please have a cup of coffee ?" he asks for the second time. "And get me a whiskey, a double this time you fucking bitch" the parrot squawks at the stewardess. This time the stewardess bursts into tears and rushes off to get the whiskey, again forgetting the man's cup of coffee.

Another five minutes goes by and the man still hasn't got his cup of coffee so he decides to take a leaf out of the parrots book. He calls the stewardess over. "A cup of coffee and make it quick you slag otherwise I'll kick your arse".

The next thing you know the two male stewards come over and open the emergency exit, throwing the man and the parrot out of the plane.

As the two of them start to plunge towards the ground the parrot turns towards the man and squawks "You're a bit fucking lippy for someone who can't fly !!"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

(Worcester is pronounced “Wooster” in England)

A sensitive lady from Worcester

At a ball met a fellow who gorcester;

A lecherous guy

With blood in his uy.

So she ducked out before he sedorcester.

Alternative version:

There was a young lady of Worcester

Who complained that too many men gorcester.

So she traded her scanties