This being the
last Funny Friday before the start of the new year, here is some humour to
usher in the year with a smile and a laugh . . .
Caution:
There is risquΓ©
humour ahead, proceed at your risk.
------πππ----
SOME HUMOUR
. . .
--------oOo-------
I have a New
Year's Revolution.
It's to
spell-check everything before posting!
--------oOo-------
A couple was on
their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage when
the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a
virgin."
The husband
replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife
continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah?
Who was the guy?"
"Tiger
Woods."
"Tiger
Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he
is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and
wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and
walks to the telephone.
"What are
you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband
says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to
eat."
"Tiger
wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah?
What would Tiger do?"
"He would
come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband
puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they
finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what
are you doing?" she asks.
The husband
says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something
to eat."
"Tiger
wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah?
What would Tiger do?"
"He would
come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams
down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they
finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to
dial.
The wife asks,
"Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm
calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
--------oOo-------
I asked this
hot girl her New Years resolution.
She said “Fuck
you”, so I’m very excited for 2020.
--------oOo-------
Four Russians
go to a hotel.
When they get
to the hotel, one of the comrades gets very tired and tries to get some sleep.
The other three annoy him all night and keep him from sleeping. The other three
began telling jokes about Putin, so he creates a plan.
The fourth
communist goes to the kitchen and asks for a cup of coffee. “But deliver it
exactly ten minutes from now.” The fourth communist goes to his room and waits.
Right before the coffee arrived, the three are making jokes about Putin. The
fourth communist turns to his comrades and says “You know they can hear us,
right?”
“That’s not
true!” cried one of the communists. “Prove it!” The fourth communist goes over
to a lamp and says “Could I have a cup of coffee?” At that moment, the waitress
comes in with his coffee. The fourth commie enjoys his coffee, and all four go
straight to sleep.
The next
morning, the fourth communist goes down and has breakfast. When he comes back he finds the room
ransacked and his comrades missing. He goes to the front desk and asks the
receptionist what happened. “The KGB took them,” she said. “Why didn’t they
take me?” asked the fourth communist. “President Putin liked your joke.”
------πππ----
FROM THE VAULT .
. .
After returning
from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in
his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said,
"Hey, Luigi. How was'a da treep?"
Luigi said,
"Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down."
"What'a
you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we
board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My beautiful'a Virginia had packed
a big'a basket a food with vino and cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking
'aforward to da trip. All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened up'a da
lunch'a basket.
"The
conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, 'No eat in dese'a car.
Must'a use'a dining car.'
"So, me
and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin
to open'a bottle of vino.
Conductor come
again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a
car.'
"So we go
to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar.
The conductor,
he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to
smoker car.'
"We go to
smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.
Later, my
beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed.
And then here
come’a the conductor, he come'a through the car yelling, 'NO-FOLK'A,
VIRGINIA!'"
------πππ----
LIMERICK OF THE
WEEK . . .
An original
limerick by moi . . .
I hope 2020's a blast.
Unlike the year
that has passed
However I fear,
The coming new year
Will be just the
same as the last.
------πππ----
GALLERY . . .
------πππ----
CORN CORNER . . .
--------oOo-------
Yesterday my
doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.
Runs in the
family.
--------oOo-------
Not to brag,
but I already have a date for New Year’s Eve.
December 31st.
--------oOo-------
Instead of
singing Auld Lang Syne this New Year's, we should all sing "I Can See
Clearly Now."
Because
everyone will have 2020 vision.
--------oOo-------
How do they say
“Happy New Year” in Australia?
ΙΉΙΗ⅄ ΚΗN ΚddΙH
--------oOo-------
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna happy new
year!
Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year, Byters and readers.
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