Funny Friday

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The last Funny Friday of 2018 that will hopefully finish the year with some smiles and laughs . . . 

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Warning: the following items contain some risqué content. 

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I went to my GP and admitted that I can't have sex any more. Every time I start to get frisky with a girl I suddenly start thinking about turtles or iguanas or lizards or crocodiles or geckos and then I can't get a boner. 

The doc said I've got a reptile dysfunction. 

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I've opened a gym, in which the instructors would go from door to door and brag about the various benefits of joining it. 

I've named it 'Jehovah's Fitness'. 

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How's my intended New Year’s resolution going so far? 

Well allow me to explain. 

Exercise 

Exercis 

Exerci 

Exerc 

Exer 

Exe 

Ex 

Ext 

Extr 

Extra l 

Extra la 

Extra lar 

Extra larg 

Extra large 

Extra large d 

Extra large do 

Extra large don 

Extra large done 

Extra large doner kebab 

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My New Year's resolution is to save enough money to buy a Velcro wall. 

And I plan on sticking to it! 

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The Finest of Funny Friday . . . 

From the 2012 Archives:

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A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. 

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" 

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." 

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. 

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. 

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. 

What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? 

About 45 pounds. 

What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? 

45 minutes. 

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While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." 

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?" 

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-raising, isn't it?" 

The rest of the story gets rather ugly. 

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A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. 

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?" 

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." 

He then throws back another shot of whiskey in one gulp. 

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!" 

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs . . .

"Not anymore! ... He is!" 

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Gallery: 

Courtesy of Vince C, thanks Vince.

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Corn Corner: 

Some dyslexic corn to vinish the ear . . .

I asked the dyslexic fortune teller what my destiny was. 

She replied, "It's 1.062 gram per centimeter cube." 

My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex"...

But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? 

He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog. 

What does DNA stand for? 

National Dyslexics Association 

Have you heard of the cow who attained spirtual enlightenment? 

She was dyslexic and kept on repeating OOOOMMM! 

Dyslexics of the world: UNTIE!

I came home from work tonight to find a note from my girlfriend which said, "I'm leaving you because you're so stupid and bigoted." 

Well I'm not stupid, I'm just dyslexic. 

And I can't help it if I have big toes. 

Have you heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? 

I saw my friend stood outside the Doctor's today. He looked really worried and upset so I asked him, "What's the matter?" 

He replied, "I've got the big C." 

I was shocked. "What, cancer?" I asked. 

"No, dyslexia." 

These jokes are the property of the National Dyslexic Association. 

All rights reversed.