Some Poetry

Caution: risque content ahead.

Whilst watching an episode of Escape to the Country, the town of Devizes was mentioned. It is a market town in the centre of Wiltshire in England. The name reminded me of a limerick. More of that in a moment.

I remember that on an earlier occasion whilst watching Escape to the Country I was moved to quote poetry to my wife, Kate, upon hearing the English town of Aberystwyth mentioned: 

There once was a girl from Aberystwyth 

Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with. 

The miller's son Jack 

Laid her flat on her back 

And united the organs they pissed with. 

John Keating said in Dead Poets Society that “Language was developed for one endeavour, and that is... to woo women” but not all women are moved by having poetry recited to them, I have learned. 

Here is the Devizes limerick: 

There once was a man from Devizes, 

Who had balls of two different sizes, 

One ball was small, 

And of no use at all, 

The other so large it won prizes. 

Some more limericks that utilise odd pronunciations of English place names, a reprint from a 2015 Bytes post: 

* * * * * 

"Gloucester" is pronounced "Gloster", “Leicester” is pronounced “Lester”: 

An old couple living in Gloucester 

Had a beautiful girl, but they loucester; 

She fell from a yacht, 

And never the spacht 

Could be found where the cold waves had toucester. 

A young man of Gloucester named Foucester, 

Had a wife who ran off with a coucester. 

He traced her to Leicester, 

And tried to arreicester, 

But in spite of these efforts he loucester. 

* * * * * 

"Worcester" is prounounced "Wooster": 

There was a young lady of Worcester, 

Who dreamt that a rooster seduced her. 

She woke with a scream, 

But 'twas only a dream, 

A lump in the mattress had gorcester. 

* * * * * 

As noted above, "Leicester" is pronounced "Lester": 

At the bar in the old inn at Leicester 

Was a beautiful bar-maid named Heicester; 

She gave to each guest 

Only what was the buest, 

And they all, with one accord, bleicester. 

* * * * * 

"Salisbury" is also called "Sarem", the way that many people pronounce “Salisbury.” “Hants” is to the Brits a familiar abbreviation of "Hampshire": 

There was a young vicar from Salisbury 

Whose manners were quite halisbury-scalisbury. 

He went around Hampshire 

without any pampshire 

'til his bishop compelled him to walisbury. 

* * * * * 

"Beauchamp" is pronounced "Beacham" in its English pronunciation: 

A youthful schoolmistress named Beauchamp 

Said: These awful boys, how shall I teauchamp? 

For they will not behave 

Although I look grave 

And with tears in my eyes I beseauchamp. 

* * * * * * * * * * 

Bonus Limerick #1, a Belgian place name: 

"Bruges" is pronounced to rhyme with "huge". 

There once was a duchess from Bruges 

Whose vag was amazingly huge. 

Said the King to this dame 

As he thunderously came, 

“Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!” 

The phrase “Après moi, le déluge” (“After me, the deluge" or "After me, the flood!") is attributed to the King of France Louis XV (1710-1774). 

There are two interpretations as to its meaning: 

• “After me the deluge will come”, meaning “After my reign, the nation will be plunged into chaos and destruction.” 

• “After me, let the deluge come (it can come, but it makes no difference to me).” In this second case, the speaker asserts that nothing that happens after his disappearance matters to him. 

Classical scholars favour the second interpretation. 

Fifteen years after the King’s death, the French Revolution (1789-1799) took place, which cost the life of his grandson and successor, Louis XVI. 

* * * * * * * * * * 

Bonus limerick #2, no place name: 

There once was a soldier named Fisk 

Who said, when the fighting got brisk, 

"I'm sorry to say 

That I cannot stay. 

I've got only one * " 

(Okay, it took me a bit to work it out so I will explain it – 

“I’ve got only one asterisk.” - Ass to risk).