Funny Friday

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Time for some Friday Funnies.  

Thanks to Leo for the visual items below.

Warning: risque content ahead.
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Quickies:

I said to a policeman "If I called you a prick, would you arrest me?
The policeman replied "Yes, I would arrest you." 

I said "What if I was just thinking you're a prick?”
"There's not much I can do about that," he replied.
"Good”, I said, "because I think you're a prick!”

-----oOo-----

A man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry;
A policeman informs the family "There's no easy way to say this. . . “

-----oOo-----

The teacher called on Johnny and said, "Johnny, could you use 'I' in a sentence please?"
Johnny began, "I is--"
"Johnny," said the teacher, "you've learned this by now, the correct grammar is 'I am'."
Johnny continued, "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
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Gallery: 

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The Finest of Funny Friday:

Old man Cohen is getting along in years. He decides to retire and let his 3 sons run the company, which manufactures a wide variety of nails. The sons think that they can increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising. 

A week later the old man is taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he sees a huge billboard ad with a picture of Christ on the Cross. The caption reads "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Cohen’s Nails." 

The old man immediately meets with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He tells them that the backlash could be horrendous and that he wants to see noi further ads showing Christ crucified. The sons agree to do so. 

A week later the old man is again taking his usual Sunday drive when he sees a billboard with a picture of the same cross, empty. The caption reads “If they had used Cohen’s Nails, He would still be there.” 

-----oOo-----

A burglar breaks into an apartment. He's sure that nobody is home, but just in case he keeps all of the lights off. As he is moving around with a torch, a voice says "I can see you and so can Jesus.” The burglar freezes on the spot, shines his torch around but doesn’t see anyone. 

A few minutes pass and the voice comes again, "I can see you and so can Jesus.” The burglar again pauses and shines his torch around. This time he spots a parrot in he corner. "I can see you and so can Jesus.” 

"What would you know," says the burglar, "You're just a fucking parrot!" 

"Yeah, I may be a fucking parrot," replies the bird, "but Jesus is a fucking Doberman." 

-----oOo-----

There had been an orgy at Vallhalla. The next morning there are prone bodies around the place and quite a bit of disarray. As the bleary eyed God of Thunder tries to get up from a pile of people, a nearby hungover goddess raises her head and and says “Who are you?” 

“I’m Thor,” he replied. 

“You’re thore?” she says. “I'm tho thore I can hardly pith" 

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Corn Corner:

"How many eggs do you want for your omelette?" the waiter asked Freddie Mercury. 

"I want to break free!" came back the reply! 

-----oOo-----

I sat next to an over-enthusiastic insurance salesman at a Robbie Williams concert. 

Through it all he offered me protection. 

-----oOo-----

A pirate went to see the doctor about the moles on his back. 

"I wouldn't worry about it," said the doctor, "They're benign." 

"Count 'em again doc," said the pirate, "You'll find there be ten."