Funny Friday

Today no Corn Corner, no Gallery and no lengthy jokes . . . today is Quickies Day. Enjoy. 

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During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" 

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." 

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense." 

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

Australia is constantly advertising for 'skilled migrants'. 

In fairness, how much more skilled could you be than an Indonesian who manages to navigate a tin bath three thousand miles through shark infested waters? 

At the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise. 

So he gave me a cushion to sit on. 

My wife has left me because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression 

But don't worry.......... I'll return. 

Just got a copy of Pirates of the Caribbean and I'm taking it back. 

I put the disc in and the first thing it told me was that it was illegal to watch pirate movies. 

Our young son has been crying a lot at night, so my wife asked me to go out and get a baby monitor for him. 

But he seems even more freaked out now with the big lizard crawling all over him. 

'Hello Microsoft support, what's the nature of the problem?' 

'Eggshell' 

'Eggshell??' 

'Yesh' 

'Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?' 

I saw a dozen people running down the road earlier. 

I shouted 'Oi, what's going on?' 

A bloke shouts 'A lion’s escaped from the zoo.' 

'Bloody hell, which way did it go?' 

'You don't think we're fucking chasing it do you?' 

I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website, 

'Blonde 33 From London Great Personality 5ft 3 Green Eyes.' 

Don't get me wrong, I got nothing against short women, but, 3 green eyes? 

No wonder she's single. 

"What do we want!?" 

"HEARING AIDS!" 

"When do we want them!?" 

"HEARING AIDS!" 

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me. 

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

I was talking to my mate today and he said, "Don't forget the clocks go forward this weekend." 

I replied, "They go forward all the time, you stupid twat." 

A police officer called the station on his radio. 

"I need back up here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." 

"Have you arrested the woman?" 

"Not yet. The floor's still wet." 

A man walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. 

Librarian: "They're right behind you!" 

I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn’t get me anywhere. 

Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through. 

I was in a taxi today and the driver said "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do." 

I said "Turn left."