Funny Friday

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Yes, it's Friday again and time for a little levity, laughter and lightheartedness.  Hopefully some of the items below, which includes a couple of golden repeats, will at least raise a smile, if not a good bellylaugh.  Enjoy the jpokes and the weekends amigos.

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The following item was sent to me by John P, thanks John.

Me: I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, ‘What’s the wifi password?’ 

Bartender: 'You need to buy a drink first.' 

Me: 'Okay, I’ll have a beer.' 

Bartender: 'We now have Iron Jack on tap.' 

Me: 'Sure. How much is that?' 

Bartender: '$6.00.' 

Me: 'Here you are. OK now, what’s the wifi password?' 

Bartender: "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst"; No spaces and all lowercase.' 

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A husband went to the police station to report that his wife was missing... 

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home... 

Sergeant: What is her height? 

Husband: Oh, I’m not sure. About five-feet four. 

Sergeant: Weight? 

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. 

Sergeant: Colour of eyes? 

Husband: Never really noticed, brown or green. 

Sergeant: Colour of hair? 

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown. 

Sergeant: What was she wearing? 

Husband: Usually a skirt or slacks and a blouse or polo top. I don’t remember exactly. 

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? 

Husband: She took my sports coupe. 

Sergeant: What kind of sports coupe was it? 

Husband: Mercedes-Benz CL65 AMG 7G-Tronic finished In Magnetite Black Metallic with Black Soft-Leather Electrically Adjustable and Heated AMG Front Sport Seats with Memory; Brushed Aluminium trim with Piano Black Cappings; Unmarked 19" AMG Multi-spoke Alloy Wheels; Tyre Pressure Monitoring; Panoramic Glass Electric Tilt/Slide Sunroof; COMMAND On-line with HDD Wide Screen Satellite Navigation; Blue-tooth Telephone Connectivity; Multi-Media Interface for MP3, Ipod etc; Superb Sound System With DAB and Harman-Kardon Sound Upgrade; Leather Trimmed AMG Multi-Function Steering Wheel with Paddle Shift; Parktronic Front and Rear Parking Sensors; Parking Assist; Attention Assist; Speed Limit Assist; Electrically adjustable, heated door Mirrors with Power-fold; Electrically Adjustable Steering Column; Bi-Xenon Headlights with Power-wash and Auto Activation; LED Daytime Running Lights; Cruise Control; Rear Privacy Glass; AMG Carpet Overmats... 

At this point the husband starts choking up..... 

Sergeant: Don't worry, we’ll find your car... 

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Lost for centuries..Volume 2 of the Irish Dancing Manual has finally been rediscovered! 

It’s entitled “How To Move The Arms” 

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A man found himself lost and wandering in a forest. After a few hours trying to find his way, he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an old Chinese man with a long, grey beard. 

"I'm lost," said the man, "can you put me up for the night?" 

"Certainly," the Chinese old man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man". 

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a nice shape. She was obviously attracted to the man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. 

During the night, he could no longer bear it and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn, he crept back to his room exhausted, but happy. 

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest". 

"Well that's pretty crappy," he thought, "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about". He picked the rock up, walked over to the window and threw the rock out. 

As he did, so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle". In panic, he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones were better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the rock. 

As he plummeted downward, he saw a large sign on the ground that read "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost". 

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A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, to learn about and to see the horses 

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. 

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. 

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. 

Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th.' 

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh but I appreciate your help.' 

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In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. 

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless." 

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall. 

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." 

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. 

I have researched the history of ...." 

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. 

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked." 

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Corn Corner: 

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I've just been arrested by the Anti-Terror Police for advertising my new fast food outlet. 

I was shouting 'Alan's Snack Bar' at the top of my voice when all Hell broke loose. 

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The neighbours Great Dane got into our garden and poo'd on the grass so my Mrs told me to get the shovel and throw it over the fence. 

Didn't really achieve anything though, we've still got a great big shit on our lawn and the bastards next door have got my shovel! 

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Finally finished my book on the history of clocks....it's about time. 

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Our local vicar has not been seen for over a week. 

The church have informed the missing parsons bureau