Bytes: Funny Friday

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Graham E sent me a pic and comment in respect of the Mickey Mouse statue pic I posed a few days ago. That appears below, along with some further Mickey Mouse and Disney humour, preceded by some oldies but goodies.

Caution: Risque items ahead.

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A very Special Anniversary was about to be celebrated. . .

. . . Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed Son No. 1. ‘Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.” “Not to worry,” said the father. “Important thing is we’re all together today.”

Son No. 2 arrived. “You and Mom look great. Dad, I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.” “It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter arrived “Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children gasped and said, “WHAT? You mean we’re bastards?”

“Yep,” said the father, “Cheap ones, too. .. .”

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Sent to me by Tas S, although it has appeared previously in Bytes . . .

Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.

‘Aye, it’s all going like magic,’ says Jock.

‘I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even my stag night…’

Archie nods approvingly.

‘Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!’ continues Jock.

‘A kilt?’ exclaims Archie, ‘That’s grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?’

‘Ach,’ says Jock, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white.’

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So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says “Ma’am, can I please see your licence?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie…

Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your licence?” he asks sternly. “Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a licence from her purse. He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles. “Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him. “Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty…

The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

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Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."

Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done, the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater."

Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar.

He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"

Bubba says, "I'll show you.

Do you have a weed-eater?"

"No."