Monday, October 28, 2024
TOILET HUMOUR
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Following are some pics sent to me by Joihn P who, if you are wondering, is married. Query if that will still be the case when his wife sees some of the photographs.
Thankss, John.
Maybe the signs of the prophets aren't just written on the subway walls and tenement halls, but also on toilet doors . . .
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John's pics . . .
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. . . and some more . . .
Read the above carefully
Sunday, October 27, 2024
MORE FACTS
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It was a man’s world in Ancient Rome - families were dominated by men. At the head of Roman family life was the oldest living male, called the "paterfamilias," or "father of the family." He looked after the family's business affairs and property and could perform religious rites on their behalf.
The paterfamilias had absolute rule over his household and children. If they angered him, he had the legal right to disown his children, sell them into slavery or even kill them.
Only the paterfamilias could own property: whatever their age, until their father died, his sons only received an allowance, or peliculum, to manage their own households.
Sons were important, because Romans put a lot of value on continuing the family name. If a father had no sons then he could adopt one – often a nephew – to make sure that the family line would not die out.
Roman women usually married in their early teenage years, while men waited until they were in their mid-twenties. As a result, the materfamilias (mother of the family) was usually much younger than her husband.
As was common in Roman society, while men had the formal power, women exerted influence behind the scenes. It was accepted that the materfamilias was in charge of managing the household. In the upper classes, she was also expected to assist her husband’s career by behaving with modesty, grace and dignity.
The influence of women only went so far. The paterfamilias had the right to decide whether to keep newborn babies. After birth, the midwife placed babies on the ground: only if the paterfamilias picked it up was the baby formally accepted into the family.
Source:
The Roman Empire in the First Century
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Upon the death of Israel’s first president, Chaim Weizmann, on November 9, 1952, Albert Einstein on November 17, was officially offered the presidency.
Despite Einstein being aged 73, he would have been a popular choice. He had been a long-time advocate for the establishment of a persecution-free sanctuary for the Jews and had been a leader in establishing the Hebrew University of Jerusalem.
Einstein turned the offer down, insisting that he was not qualified. He also cited old age, inexperience, and insufficient people skills as reasons why he wouldn’t be a good choice.
“All my life I have dealt with objective matters, hence I lack both the natural aptitude and the experience to deal properly with people and to exercise official functions,” he wrote.
Source:
The New Statesman
Albert Einstein and Chaim Weizmann in 1921
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King Henry VIII of England hired four men who regularly checked his feaces, monitored his bowel movements and wiped his bottom. They were appropriately called ‘Grooms of the King’s Stool’ and all of them were eventually knighted.
The word ‘Stool’ was in reference to a portable commode which would have been carried around at all times, along with water, towels and a wash bowl.
To ensure he was carrying out his job at peak efficiency, the Groom of the Stool would also have closely monitored the king’s diet and mealtimes, and would have organised his day around the king’s predicted motions.
it was the sons of noblemen or members of the gentry that were usually awarded the job. Over time, they came to act more as personal secretaries to the king and were rewarded with high pay and some great benefits such as the right to lodgings in every palace, the Sovereign’s old clothes, and the option to have any used bedchamber furnishings.
Of the monarchs to have most enjoyed this personal attention, it was ‘mad’ King George III who employed the most Grooms throughout a single reign; a total of nine, including John Stuart who would later go on to be Prime Minister of Great Britain.
The role of Groom of the Stool (known as Groom of the Stole from the Stuart era onwards) carried on all the way until 1901 when King Edward VII decided to abolish it.
Source:
Historic UK
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The Anglo-Zanzibar War of 1896 is generally considered to be the shortest war in history. It was a military conflict fought between the United Kingdom and the Sultanate of Zanzibar on 27 August 1896 and lasted between 38 and 45 minutes.
Following the death of the previous sultan, Zanzibari Prince Khālid ibn Barghash refused to accept the British Empire’s preferred successor and instead occupied the sultan’s palace. Instead of ordering his forces to stand down and to leave the palace, Khalid called up his palace guard and barricaded himself inside the palace.
The British had gathered two cruisers, three gunboats, 150 marines and sailors, and 900 Zanzibaris in the harbour area. Around 2,800 Zanzibaris defended the palace; most were recruited from the civilian population, but they also included the sultan's palace guard and several hundred of his servants and slaves. The British bombarded the palace, setting it on fire and disabling the defending artillery. A small naval action took place, with the British sinking the Zanzibari royal yacht HHS Glasgow and two smaller vessels. The flag at the palace was shot down and the palace surrendered.
The sultan's forces sustained roughly 500 casualties, while only one British sailor was injured. Sultan Khalid received asylum in the German consulate before escaping to German East Africa. The war marked the end of the Sultanate of Zanzibar as a sovereign state and the start of a period of heavy British influence.
Source:
Wikipedia
The Sultan's palace after the bombardment.
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The longest war in history lasted 335 years, between the Netherlands and the Isles of Scilly. located off the tip of Cornwall, UK. No one was killed during the entire war.
The conflict began on March 30 1651 as an indirect result of the English Civil War. The Dutch took the side of the Parliamentarians, incensing The Royalists with whom they had historically been allies. Furious Royalists raided shipping lanes in the English channel, however things weren’t going well for the Royalists who’d been pushed back by Oliver Cromwell’s successful military advance.
Royalists were pinned back in their last stronghold of Cornwall while its navy retreated to the Isles of Scilly. This presented the Dutch with an opportunity for payback and the fleet of 12 warships headed to the Isles of Scilly to try and recover its losses from Royalist raids.
Admiral Maarten Tromp declared war on the isles on March 30 1651 but no shots were fired. Three months later Cromwell’s forces forced the Royalists to surrender and the Isles of Siclly again fell under Parliamentarian control.
So the Dutch headed for home but nobody had remembered to sign a peace treaty.
The forgotten conflict lasted until April 1986 when The Dutch Ambassador flew to the Isles of Scilly to officially end the 335 year state of war with the islands.
Source:
Cornwall Live
Saturday, October 26, 2024
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
"Elvis Presley's music said, 'Free your body.' The Beatles said, 'Free your mind.' "
- David Sheff
David Sheff (1955 - ) is an American author of the books:
Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction;
Clean: Overcoming Addiction and Ending America's Greatest Tragedy;
Game Over;
The Buddhist on Death Row; and
All We Are Saying: The Last Interview with John Lennon and Yoko Ono.
He also writes for magazines and newspapers, including The New York Times, The New York Times Magazine, Wired, Rolling Stone and other publications.
SONG SPOT
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COME TOGETHER – The Beatles
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A short while ago I posted a link to the Gat Brothers performing a great version of the Beatles’ Come Together. That link is:
Today’s Bytes post, however, is about that song.
Apologies for the length, like Topsy, it just growed.
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Beatles version:
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Some comments on the Youtube site for this video:
The most innovative and futuristic song ever. 50 years later still sounds modern and fresh. Pure perfection!
The more I listen to the Beatles, the better they sound.
A brilliant song. Superb melody, harmony, tempo, lyrics, ornamentation, Pure genius! People will still appreciate this 100 years from now.
The bass in this song is just a masterpiece
In all of Pop/Rock, I’ve never heard a better beat than this. Absolute genius.
These lyrics mean nothing but also everything
John Lennon just has something in his voice that makes the whole song 1000x times better.
Lyrics are some of the most chopped ever in a song, but the track flows like water. A crazy mashup that just works. Brilliant!
# 1 in the fall of 1969-This was their 18th chart topper.
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Lyrics:
Here come old flat-top, he come groovin' up slowly
He got ju-ju eyeball, he one holy roller
He got hair down to his knee
Got to be a joker, he just do what he please
He wear no shoeshine, he got toe-jam football
He got monkey finger, he shoot Coca-Cola
He say, "I know you, you know me"
One thing I can tell you is you got to be free
Come together, right now
Over me
He bag production, he got walrus gumboot
He got Ono sideboard, he one spinal cracker
He got feet down below his knee
Hold you in his armchair, you can feel his disease
Come together, right now
Over me
Right!
Come, come, come, come...
He roller-coaster, he got early warnin'
He got muddy water, he one mojo filter
He say, "One and one and one is three"
Got to be good-lookin' 'cause he's so hard to see
Come together, right now
Over me
Ugh!
Come together, yeah
Come together, yeah
Come together, yeah
Come together, yeah
Come together, yeah
Come together, yeah
Come together, yeah
Agh!
Come together, yeah
Come together, yeah
Come together...
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About the song:
This Beatles’ classic was officially released by Apple Records on 26 September 1969. It served as the lead single from the iconic group’s final album together, entitled “Abbey Road”. In fact “Come Together”, being a double A-side along with the song “Something”, was the only single issued from “Abbey Road”.
In 1973, John Lennon was sued by a music publisher named Morris Levy who claimed that Lennon plagiarized certain sections of “Come Together”. According to Levy, Lennon “stole” a significant part of music legend Chuck Berry’s 1956 song entitled “You Can’t Catch Me”. Lennon was suffering from what has been described as courtroom fatigue at the time and decided to settle with Levy. Part of the agreement was that he had to cover other songs that Levy owned, which were later featured on the projects “Roots: John Lennon Sings the Great Rock & Roll Hits” and “Rock ‘n’ Roll”, which were both released in 1975.
Officially, this track was written by two of the Beatles, John Lennon (1940-1980) and Paul McCartney. That being said, it’s important to note that Lennon actually wrote this song himself. However, its writing was credited to both him and McCartney.
This song proved to be a hit for the group. It topped America’s Hot 100 and went on to hit number 4 in Britain (the UK Singles Chart).
A likely reason “Come Together” didn’t reach number one in the Beatles’ native United Kingdom is because the BBC refused to play the track due to the namedropping of Coca-Cola. In other words, they interpreted this reference as an advertisement of the product.
The whispered lyric that sounds like "shoot" is actually Lennon saying "shoot me" followed by a handclap. The bass line drowns out the "me."
The Beatles recorded this on July 21, 1969 and it was the first session John Lennon actively participated in following his and Yoko's car accident 3 weeks earlier. John was so insistent on Yoko being in the studio with him that he had a hospital bed set up in the studio for her right after the accident, since she was more seriously injured than he was.
This has one of the most commonly misheard lyrics in the history of popular music: "Hold you in his -armchair- you can feel his disease." It's actually "Hold you in his arms, yeah, you can feel his disease." All published sheet music had the "armchair" lyric, including the inner sleeve of the 1967-1970 compilation, which contained lots of other errors too, notably on "Strawberry Fields Forever." After John heard that his lyric was incorrect in the sheet music and other folios, he decided he liked "armchair" better and kept it.
When rumours were spreading that Paul McCartney was dead, some fans thought the line "One and one and one is three" meant that only George, John and Ringo were left. The line "Got to be good lookin' cuz he's so hard to see" was supposed to be Paul's spirit.
A rotary phone was used to make the sound heard before each verse and after the chorus. The sound was accompanied by the bass Paul played.
Though Ringo is best known for playing on Oyster Black Pearl Ludwig drum kit, he used for this his Ludwig "Hollywood" maple-finish equipment, with a 22" kick. Starr produced his distinctive late '60s drum muffling sound on tracks like this by wrapping tea towels (dishtowels) around his snares and toms.
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Meaning of the lyrics:
From Song Meanings and Facts, at:
…being that it is indeed a classic, people are going to continue to look for deeper meaning in the lyrics of “Come Together” than what is actually there. And yes, there may be references to real people, places and things, such as a shoutout to John’s wife, Yoko “Ono”, as well as the crew namedropping “Coca-Cola” and other particular references.Does this song really have no meaning?No! And in trying to derive too much meaning from the track, a listener once again runs the risk of applying interpretations that do not really exist. Rather this is a song which Lennon loosely framed around another (“You Can’t Catch Me” by Chuck Berry). Moreover it was written with a specific goal in mind which it never fulfilled and was likely influenced by the drug culture that both Lennon and Leary were a part of. But that being said, considered that it was handled by a talented crew during the era of their creative peak, “Come Together” still came out being one of the most endeared tracks in American music history.
Reader comments at thea bove site:
Lennon was known for sarcasm. For example, claiming that “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” was just a drawing by his son of the youngster’s teacher was possible, but, Lennon knew, perfectly well, that people would interpret it as “LSD.” Since most of the lyrics have to do with himself (i.e., hair down to his knee, he shoot Coca-Cola, He got walrus gumboot, He got Ono sideboard, He got Muddy Water (his favorite blues musician)), you need only hear, “Got to be a joker, he just do what he please,” to realize that he was joking when he said that “Come Together” was a nonsense song. I doubt that he ever intended it to have anything to do with Leary’s campaign!I agree. In fact I think that each verse, however obliquely, describes the members of the band. Maybe it’s nonsense overall, but there was intent behind those lyrics.
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Comments taken from Song Meanings, where people offer their interpretations of the lyrics of songs, at:
The song is about the Beatles feeling towards eachother. during a weak time, George brought up the Yogi and the phrase "Come Together right now over me" is an excerpt from the script telling them to use this song to build their bonds again and unite as one.Each verse is dedicated to a Beatle:Verse 1: "Here come old flattop, he come grooving up slowly He got joo-joo eyeball, he one holy roller He got hair down to his knee Got to be a joker he just do what he please"This verse is obviously Ringo.Ringo's old school drum beats ("Flat top" referring to the old hair cut in the mid 1900's) were off at first with the rest of the band, but in time he got better and better ("Groovin' up slowly")."he got hair down to his knee," is a joke about his shaggy look when he first joined the group and since he's sitting down playing the drums his hair wouldnt quite reach his knees but you get the riff."Got to be a joker he just do what he please," Refers to him being the goof of the quad-squad.Verse 2: "He wear no shoeshine, he got toe-jam football He got monkey finger, he shoot Coca-Cola He say, "I know you, you know me" One thing I can tell you is you got to be free Come together right now over me"Did someone say George?"He wear no shoeshine," well let’s face it, George wasn’t fancy and liked the bare foot thing."He got toe-jam football," Soccer was a sport usually practised outside the temples where the Yogi was practised."He got monkey finger," George was extreeeeeemly dextrous and learned many stringed instruments with ease."He say,' I know you, you know me' etc..." another reference to the Yogi.Verse 3: "He bag production, he got walrus gumboot He got Ono sideboard, he one spinal cracker He got feet down below his knee Hold you in his armchair, you can feel his disease Come together right now over me"This is the most obvious one... give up? really??! It's John! Duh!"he bad production," refers to John constantly would stop the recordings and piss off all the rest of the band."He got walrus gumboot," John wrote 'I am the walrus" and kept making songs like that and refused to change his style, thus upsetting the rest of the band."He got Ono sideboard," a sideboard is a court term referring to pulling to the side or distracting. Yoko Ono would pull John away from the band and Is believed to be the downfall of the band."he one spinal cracker," a term related to "breaking my back," John would constantly argue with the band mates and "break their backs.""He got feet down below his knee," John refused to be openminded or "get on his knees" He was stubborn and stood up, refusing to kneel to anyone."Hold you in his armchair you can feel his disease," Anyone who really knew John, or even got close to him, knew something was wrong physically with him, depression, anger, etc. etc..Verse 4:"He roller-coaster, he got early warning He got muddy water, he one mojo filter He say, "One and one and one is three" Got to be good-looking because he's so hard to see Come together right now over me "Last but not least, Paul"He roller-coaster," Paul was very emotional and would change all the time on everything whether it be a song or feelings."He got early warning," Early in, the rest of the guys knew that Paul was going to be a problem so they warned him."He got muddy water," A reference to Paul’s changing fascination to the band "Muddy Waters," Bluesy style."he one mojo filter," Paul was very persuasive and would make the rest of the members bend to his will."He say 'one and on and one is three',"iIs a reference to Paul trying to constantly tell the rest of the band that even without him, the band could survive."Got to be good-looking because he's so hard to see," Paul was the "cute" one of the group and was also very hard to get along with and read as a person.
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Like a lot of John's lyrics (and like Dylan's), there are multiple meanings. The two didn't have their songs wrapped neatly in a bow for the listener to easily decipher. Both Dylan and Lennon (who were friends) realized they were truly lyrical geniuses and immensely popular. They probably took great glee in puzzling, provoking, intriguing and teasing their listeners. Listen to Desolation Row or Like a Rolling Stone where there are countless meanings. Same with I want you (she's so heavy)--drugs, sex?The song is probably on one level about the four individual Beatles. It is also about taking drugs. It is also about sex. In fact it is eerily similar to Happiness is a Warm Gun which also had multiple meanings---an actual pistol, sex, shooting drugs, etc. (bang bang, shoot shoot).The first two verses are interesting in that they both could be about George and Ringo. Lyrrics could be interchanged. Flat top. Is that an old stodgy hair style? A guitar top? Groovin up slowly. Is that the groove of the song suggesting the drummer? Or someone who was square and was slowly becoming more hip?Shoot coca cola has a drug reference but it could be about a Coke ad Ringo was asked to be "shot" in.The most interesting verse is the fourth which seems to be about Paul who is emotionally up and down (roller coaster), was getting guff form the other members for being too bossy (early warning), he was a buzz kill (mojo filter--filtered out other musicians creative ideas?).The "one and one an one is three" seems to be John mocking Paul's overly simplistic song writing. He later sang in "How Do You Sleep," the only thing you did was Yesterday."Got to be good lookin'" refers to the fact that he was the cute Beatle but the only thing he is noticed for is his looks not his intellect...(so hard to see...empty mind, or it could simply mean "hard to read" since he was impulsive and bossy. It seems to be John mocking Paul's overly simplistic mind.The title Come Together could be John's plea to the band members to continue making great music together and not going solo. Or it could refer to the 1960's "let's all get along" ideal. Or again it could be about sex ...it could even be about Paul's death (come together over me in my grave).There are a lot of religious meanings as well from their time in India and George's stronger religious beliefs.I think it is by far their coolest song. It has a Stones-like groove with dynamic drumming and and a serious danceable groove. The song has a drug-like, happy groove with soaring lead guitar lines from George. The "shoot" parts could suggest shooting up (drugs),shooting your load (sex), or even death (shoot me).
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Cover versions:
Aerosmith recorded this song with Beatles producer George Martin for the 1978 movie Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, which turned out to be one of the worst films ever made. Aerosmith appeared in the film performing this song (as the Future Villain Band), agreeing to the role only because they couldn't resist the chance to record a Beatles song with George Martin. They weren't the only big names in the film - Peter Frampton and The Bee Gees were also in it.
The Aerosmith version of "Come Together" made #23 in the US when it was released as a single. When we asked their guitarist Brad Whitford why some folks prefer the Aerosmith version, he replied, "I've actually never heard anybody say that." Whitford added, "But you know, it's funny, I hear our version more on the radio than I do The Beatles' version."
Ike & Tina Turner covered "Come Together" in 1970, taking the song to #57 in the US. That and the Aerosmith version are the only covers to chart, but Michael Jackson did a very popular version that he performed at the close of his 1988 concert film Moonwalker. His rendition appeared on his HIStory album in 1995.
The Arctic Monkeys performed the song during the London 2012 Olympic Games opening ceremony. Their version reached #21 on the UK singles chart in the week after the event.
On October 7, 2016, The Rolling Stones covered this song during their headline set at the Desert Trip festival in Indio, California. Before launching into the tune, Mick Jagger told the crowd: "We're gonna do a cover song of a sort of unknown beat group. I think you might remember [them], we're gonna try a cover of one of their tunes."
Others to record the song include Meat Loaf, Guns N' Roses, Soundgarden, Marilyn Manson, Nazareth, and Oasis.
Links to covers:
Michael Jackson (great performance):
Aerosmith:
Ike and Tina Turner:
Elton John:
Rolling Stones:
Meat Loaf:
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Final thoughts:
Lennon stated "Come Together" was "one of my favourite Beatles tracks. It's funky, it's bluesy, and I'm singing it pretty well."
In May 2021, Ringo Starr said it was his favourite Beatles song in an interview on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.[34]
Producer George Martin said of the song:
If I had to pick one song that showed the four disparate talents of the boys and the ways they combined to make a great sound, I would choose 'Come Together'. The original song is good, and with John's voice it's better. Then Paul has this idea for this great little riff. And Ringo hears that and does a drum thing that fits in, and that establishes a pattern that John leapt upon and did the ['shoot me'] part. And then there's George's guitar at the end. The four of them became much, much better than the individual components.
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Friday, October 25, 2024
FUNNY FRIDAY
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Today’s theme, people, is cars, for no other reason that I thought of that as I was getting into my car.
I have repeated a number of car jokes from past Bytes in that they are worth another run, or drive, as the case may be.
BTW:
in 1962 "The Beverly Hillbillies" premiered on CBS-TV.
...and they rolled into American living rooms, in this now famous rig.
Did you know:
The truck is based on a 1921 Oldsmobile Model 43-A touring car. The Model 43-A was powered by a 43-horsepower 4-cylinder engine and rode on a 115-inch wheelbase.
Even though Jethro wasn’t too bright, he must have been a good mechanic to have driven a 40-year-old truck from the Ozark Mountains to California and then keep the Olds running for nine seasons in Beverly Hills.
The Clampetts’ truck was built by Hollywood customizer George Barris. According to Barris TV & Movie Cars, Barris was asked to design a suitable vehicle for a hillbilly family. Barris found a 1921 Olds behind a feed store in nearby Fontana, California. Time and previous owners had done most of the work to make the perfect hillbilly truck. The finish had the right patina, and the rear half of the body had already been removed. It was once common to remove the rear half of a car body to create a truck, and many prewar cars ended their days as trucks. Barris added a rear platform with a high bench for Granny and Elly May. Little else was needed to make one of television’s most famous cars.
Enjoy Byters.
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SOME HUMOUR:
__________
Today the CEO of my company came in to the office in a brand new BMW. “Nice car”, I complimented him.
“Well”, he said, “if you put in enough time, effort, and dedication, and work as hard as you can then next year I’ll have even a better car.”
__________
A rookie soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
__________
A motorist is driving past a mental hospital on a dark, moonless night when he gets a flat tyre.
As he begins to change the tyre, he notices that one of the patients is looking at him over the top of the fence whilst leaning his arms and chin on the fence.
Nervous, trying to work quickly, he jacks up the car, takes off the wheel, puts the wheel nuts into the hubcap on the ground and gets the spare tyre.
Whilst taking the spare tyre to the wheel, he steps on the hubcap, sending the wheel nuts clattering into a storm drain.
The mental patient is still watching him through the fence.
The motorist desperately looks into the storm drain but the wheel nuts are gone. He paces back and forth in the dark with the patient still watching him, trying to think of what to do.
Finally the patient says "Take one wheel nut off each of the other wheels and put them on this wheel and you’ll have three on each. That will get you home and tomorrow you can take it to your mechanic and get the missing wheel nuts replaced.”
"That's brilliant," says the motorist, "What's someone like you doing in an asylum?"
“I might be crazy,” replied the patient, “but I’m not stupid.”
__________
When Julia Gillard was Prime Minister she was being driven back to Canberra by her ministerial driver in her government car when it had a flat tyre. Try as he might, the driver couldn’t get the hubcap off, having only his hands to work with.
After some time, Julia leant out of the window and said “Would you like a screwdriver?”
“Might as well,” replied the driver, “I’m not getting anywhere with this hubcap.”
__________
The coffee shop has a sign that says, “No wi-fi, pretend it’s 1973”…
So I paid ten cents for my coffee and lit a cigarette.
__________
There was a guy who had an old car and wanted to sell it but no one wanted to buy it.
His friend said he would give some advice that would help him sell his car, then told him to take the badge off a Lamborghini and stick it on his car.
The guy really liked the idea and did it immediately!
A week later, his friend asked him, "Have you sold your car or not yet?"
He replied “Are you crazy or something? Who sells a fucking Lamborghini!”
__________
Whilst on government cars and drivers . . .
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese was being driven back to Canberra from Sydney along the Federal Highway one evening. In the dark, they run over a pig.
There is a farmhouse nearby and Albo tells his driver to go and tell the occupants about the pig so that they can claim compensation.
He's gone for about two hours and comes back staggering, lipstick on his face, drunk, holding a bottle of champagne and smoking a large cigar.
Albanese says to him ”What kept you?”
The driver says “Boss, all I know is that when I told them what had happened, the man of the house insisted I have sex with his daughter, drink champagne and smoke his finest cigars.”
“My God.” says Albanese, “exactly what did you say to him?’
“Well, I knocked on the door and said ‘I’m Anthony Albanese’s driver and I’ve just killed the pig.’ Then the father offered me his daughter, gave me champagne and shared his cigars.”
__________
I was in a cafe the other day when I looked at the next table and Gary Kasparov was sitting and enjoying his food. I asked if he minded passing me the salt from his table..
It took him 21 minutes
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__________
A little boy is excited because the circus has come to town. They had a parade with a band and animals and clowns! Oh, the clowns were fabulous! He was so excited that he got a ticket right away.
The show began and there were stunts and people on the high wire and trained animals. Then out came a tiny car and out from it poured a endless stream of clowns who did the funniest things you ever saw. It was absolutely hilarious. Then all of a sudden the clowns stopped and started looking around, all puzzled. They searched high and low and still they kept going. Finally one clown stopped and addressed the audience, "we seem to have lost our horse and we need help finding him. Would the person in row 32 seat H please stand up?" The boy notes that he is in that seat so he stands up! The clown says, "Ah! We've found the horse's ass, now we need to find the rest of the horse!"
The audience roars with laughter and the boy turned beet red. He tore from the tent in humiliation, mostly because he didn't know what to say! He decided that would never happen to him again. He pulled out his most recent copy of Boy's Life and found an ad for a book for snappy comebacks, so be bought it. It arrived and he proceeded to memorise it in its entirety. He had the local librarian borrow similar books that he also memorised.
As he grew up, he practised his snappy comebacks, but was he ready? No! He went to a college that allowed you construct your own major, so he majored in Snappy Comebacks. He studied Moliere, Shakespeare, Henny Youngman, Phyllis Diller, all the greats. He earned his major. Was he ready? No. He went on to get a PhD in snappy comebacks. Was he ready? No. He started publishing papers presenting a full taxonomy of snappy comebacks, classifying them by type, cultural reference, social import and final impact. Was he ready? Yes.
He returned to his home town and waited for the circus. When it arrived, they had a parade with a band and animals and clowns! Oh, the clowns were fabulous! He got a ticket right away for the same seat.
The show began and there were stunts and people on the high wire and trained animals. Then out came a tiny car and out from it poured an endless stream of clowns who did the funniest things you ever saw. It was absolutely hilarious. Then all of a sudden the clowns stopped and started looking around, all puzzled. They searched high and low and still they kept going. Finally one clown stopped and addressed the audience, "We seem to have lost our horse and we need help finding him. Would the person in row 32 seat H please stand up?" The boy notes that he is in that seat so he stands up!
The clown says, "Ah! We've found the horse's ass, now we need to find the rest of the horse!"
And he says in a loud, steady voice, "FUCK YOU CLOWN!"
__________
A report came on the news that a maniac was driving the wrong way down the motorway.
I thought I had better give my grandad, who was visiting me, a call and warn him.
He said, "There's not just one, there's hundreds of them."
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young lady named Eta
Who fancied herself in a sweater;
Three reasons she had:
Keeping warm was not bad,
But the other two reasons were better.
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GALLERY:
Jesus does drive a Honda Accord but He keeps it a secret: "I did not speak of my own Accord". (John 12:49).
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CORN CORNER:
__________
I bought this sweet car online
Turns out it used to be owned by Neil Diamond.
__________
I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was…just too much history between us.
__________
Why did the Pharaoh have a horn as a doorbell?
So people could toot-and-come-in
Thursday, October 24, 2024
POETRY SPOT
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Where the Dead Men Lie
By Barcroft Henry Boake
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By G Barron at:
There have always been two schools of thought on the Australian bush: epitomised in the romantic writings of Banjo Patterson, and the harder, more brutal outback of Henry Lawson.The poet who presented the bush in the harshest light of all was stockman and poet Barcroft Boake. That doesn’t, of course, mean that he loved it any less. Born in Balmain, in 1866, Barcroft was the son of a very early professional photographer. Having lost three of his siblings in their infancy, he was prone to bouts of melancholy, even as a child, but he loved sport and outdoor activities. He dreamed of living and working in the outback.At the age of seventeen Barcroft applied for training as a surveyor. He spent years in the back blocks of New South Wales, connecting with the Western landscape. Before long he had quit the Survey Department and was off droving in Queensland. At the same time he devoured the poetry of Adam Lindsay Gordon, and developed the urge to express the tough love he felt for the bush. He started writing, and by 1890 his poems were appearing regularly in the Bulletin magazine.His career as a poet was short-lived. When he was just twenty-four years of age he was called back to Sydney where his family was facing bankruptcy. Barcroft helped with what he could, but fruitlessly searched for work, battling depression and anxiety. His body was found under a tree on the shores of Sydney Harbour in May 1892, hanging from his own stockwhip.
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"Where the Dead Men Lie" has been described as Boake's "signature poem".
It was first published in The Bulletin magazine on 19 December 1891, and later in the poet's poetry collection Where the Dead Men Lie, and Other Poems (1897).
Some comments on the poem:
J. Larcombe in The Worker considered the poem "Boake's masterpiece...In it the young poet expressed his detestation of the cruel, selfish squatters, their inhuman conduct, and the tragedy for which they were responsible."
The Oxford Companion to Australian Literature states "In the poem Boake uses the contemptuous name 'Moneygrub' to denote the typical wealthy absentee landlord who lives in city luxury provided for him by the ordinary men and women of the outback..."
The Cambridge History of Australian Literature described the poem "as by far the bleakest poetic vision" of the Australian landscape as it evokes "a haunted frontier."
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Where the Dead Men Lie
Out on the wastes of the “Never Never,”
That’s where the dead men lie,
There where the heat-waves dance forever,
That’s where the dead men lie;
That’s where the Earth’s lov’d sons are keeping
endless tryst – not the west wind sweeping
feverish pinions, can wake their sleeping –
Out where the dead men lie!
Where brown Summer and Death have mated,
That’s where the dead men lie,
Loving with fiery lust unsated,
That’s where the dead men lie;
Out where the grinning skulls bleach whitely,
Under the saltbush sparkling brightly,
Out where the wild dogs chorus nightly,
That’s where the dead men lie.
Deep in the yellow, flowing river,
That’s where the dead men lie,
Under the banks where the shadows quiver,
That’s where the dead men lie;
Where the platypus twists and doubles,
leaving a trail of tiny bubbles;
Rid at last of their earthly troubles,
That’s where the dead men lie.
East and backward pale faces turning,
That’s how the dead men lie;
Gaunt arms stretched with a voiceless yearning,
That’s how the dead men lie;
Oft in the fragrant hush of nooning,
Hearing again their mother’s crooning,
Wrapt for aye in a dreadful swooning,
That’s how the dead men lie.
Nought but the hand of Night can free them;
That’s when the dead men fly;
Only the frightened cattle see them –
See the dead men go by;
Cloven hoofs beating out one measure,
Bidding the stockman know no leisure,
That’s when the dead men take their pleasure,
That’s when the dead men fly.
Ask, too, the never-sleeping drover,
He sees the dead pass by,
Hearing them call to their friends – the plover,
Hearing the dead men cry.
Seeing their faces stealing, stealing,
Hearing their laughter pealing, pealing,
Watching their grey forms wheeling, wheeling
Round where the cattle lie.
Strangled by thirst and fierce privation –
That’s how the dead men die
Out on “Moneygrub’s” furthest station,
That’s how the dead men die;
Hardfaced greybeards, youngsters callow,
Some mounds cared for, some left fallow,
Some deep down, yet others shallow,
Some having but the sky.
“Moneygrub” as he sips his claret
Looks with complacent eye
Down at his watch-chain, eighteen-carat,
There in his club hard by:
Recks not that every link is stamped with
Names of the men whose limbs are cramped with
Too long lying in grave-mould, camped with
Death where the dead men lie.
Barcroft Boake
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