Thursday, October 17, 2024
FUNNY FRIDAY
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Another load of quick ones, including some dark ones and some that have been in Bytes before.
Some risque content too. Proceed at own risk if easily offended.
Enjoy, readers.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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What does my dad have in common with Nemo?
They both can’t be found.
I have a fish that can breakdance!
Only for 20 seconds, though, and only once.
What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car?
Its butt.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Why don't blind people go skydiving?
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son", I told him.
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”
They soon stopped, though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandfather.
Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried,
I think she’s jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf
“What’s your name, son?” the principal asked his student.
The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”
“Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked.
The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group.
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
I was drinking a martini, and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet,” and we all laughed and laughed.
Well, except one person.
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face.
My parents are the worst.
Cremation.
My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We’ll see about that.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”?
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."
Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
"Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!"
I threw a boomerang a few years ago.
Now I live in constant fear.
My grief counsellor died, but he was so good at his job that I don’t even care.
My spouse treats me like God: generally ignoring until they want something.
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This has been in Bytes a few times but worth another posting:
The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approached from the back , she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they have gotten the cow. "You are truly wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
I love her in her evening gown,
I love her in her nightie,
But when moonlight flits
Between her tits,
Jesus Christ, almighty !
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GALLERY:
(Courtesy of Vince C, thanks Vince).
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CORN CORNER:
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When I was little, a strange old man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
Now after devoting my life to building a time machine of my own, I'm finally ready to go back to when he was little, and we'll see how he likes it!
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A man has just approached me, and said the words, "portent, omen, prophecy, premonition"
I think he was using sign language
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My favourite fried chicken place has closed and reopened as a burger joint.
Ah well. That was hen, this is cow.
Wednesday, October 16, 2024
FROM THE VAULT
From Bytes, December 21, 2011
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The Female Mind
Recently I posted an explanation of what women really mean in some commonly used expressions.
As a companion piece, here are some visual depictions of how women's minds work. . .
Have you ever wondered how the female brain functions? Study the item below carefully – it’s finally explained here in one simple and easy-to-understand illustration.
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about a task that needs to be carried out, a decision that needs to be made or a problem that needs concluding.
Apparently men have only two balls which it is said take up most of their thoughts.
(Note also that most of the blue balls in the above illustration end up in the central flashing sign that says “No”.)
Tuesday, October 15, 2024
MORE FACTS
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Lady GaGa has spent a fortune on ghostbusters, it has been reported.
She is petrified of evil spirits and has apparently had every hotel and tour venue she's performed and stayed in scanned by a team of pro paranormal investigators before she agreed to reside there.
GaGa - who reportedly believes she is the reincarnated spirit of her dead aunt - is also rumoured to have spent a whopping £30,000 on state-of-the-art Electro Magnetic Field meters to detect ghosts.
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According to the original recipe, four pounds is how much an original pound cake required. That’s one for each ingredient: flour, eggs, butter and sugar. It is believed to have originated in Europe in the 1700s but has been modified in many ways since. Pound cakes are generally baked in either a loaf pan or a Bundt mold. They are sometimes served either dusted with powdered sugar, lightly glazed, or with a coat of icing.
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Male giraffes will taste a female giraffe's urine to see if she is ready to mate. The male tastes the urine so it can detect hormones that confirm she is ovulating. Glad that doesn’t apply to humans.
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Winnie the Pooh has been banned from a Polish playground because of his “dubious sexuality” and “inappropriate” dress, to wit, he doesn’t wear pants.
The much-loved animated bear was suggested at a local council meeting to decide which famous character should become the face of the play area in the small town of Tuszyn. But the idea soon sparked outrage among more conservative members, with one councillor even denouncing poor Pooh as a “hermaphrodite”.
What about? . . .
There is both research and anecdotal evidence to support the idea that people with naturally red hair can have different requirements when it comes to drugs that control pain.
There is a school of thought that says redheads require more local anesthetic to manage pain, as well as increased amounts of general anesthesia to induce unconsciousness, than the rest of the population.
Less than 2% of the world’s population are natural redheads. That makes red the rarest of hair colors. Red hair results from variants associated with the MC1R gene, which provides the instructions that lead to each person’s individual pigmentation. In addition to hair color, this gene influences someone’s skin color, their response to UV light and their risk of developing melanoma. The gene also plays a role in pain perception.
Someone with red hair has two copies of the MC1R gene, receiving one from each parent. The gene also carries a certain mutation in most people who have red hair. It’s this variant that has been identified as playing a role in why redheads may respond to pain drugs differently than others.
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The Sedlec Ossuary in the Church of All Saints in Kunta Hora in Czechoslovakia is adorned with around 40,000 human skeletons.
Dubbed the Church of Bones, the story behind this grisly attraction begins in 1278, when the King of Bohemia sent the abbot of the Sedlec Cistercian Monastery to Jerusalem. He’s said to have come back with a jar of soil from the Golgotha, the site where the crucifixion of Jesus Christ is said to have occurred, and spread it around the local cemetery. When news of the “Holy Soil” became public, people from all over the region started requesting to be buried there.
The bones that currently reside in Sedlec Ossuary were exhumed from this site in the 15th century to make room for the town’s expansion, as well as new burials. They apparently lay stacked in the basement of this Gothic church until 1870, when a woodcarver named Frantisek Rint was appointed to excavate and organize them. The result is spectacularly shocking.
This underground chapel contains a chandelier made entirely of bones, as well as garlands of human skulls. To the left of the chandelier, sits a coat of arms formed of the bones of the Schwarzenbergs, an aristocratic Czech family who once ruled over the city.
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The lint and debris such as shreds of tissue and paper that collects in the bottom of our pockets is called “gnurr.”
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The King of Hearts in playing cards is the only king without a mustache but weirdly possess a sword.
Standard English playing cards were derived from mid-16th-century French models. Due to increasing popularity and mass production, many of the cards were printed using wooden blocks. There is a presumption that original designs were distorted due to unskilled block makers. These deficiencies might have resulted in many symbols losing their meaning over the centuries. Thus, the King of Hearts might not only have lost his mustache, but the ax he was originally holding became a sword.
Furthermore, symbols such as diamonds, clubs, and spades are associated with the corruption of wealth, war, and death. In contrast, the heart symbol is considered to be pure, welcoming, and undisguised, hence the clean-shaven King of Hearts.
Monday, October 14, 2024
MUSIC SPOT
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Something a little bit different today, some musical recommendations. . .
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I went to a christening last Sunday where the priest played this song after Holy Communion. I asked him afterwards who the artist was, the song and the album. He said the artist was Robert Plant, the song was Satan, Your Kingdome Must Come Down, but he didn’t know the album title, it was the one with the jester on the cover.
"Satan, Your Kingdom must Come Down" is a traditional spiritual song.
A recording of the song by Robert Plant (from the above 2010 album Band of Joy) was used as the theme song for the TV series Boss.
Here is a link to Robert Plant performing the song:
By the way:
Band of Joy (sometimes known as Robert Plant and the Band of Joy) were an English rock band formed in 1966. Various line-ups of the group performed from 1966 to 1968 and from 1977 to 1983. Frontman Robert Plant revived the band's name in 2010 for a concert tour of North America and Europe.
The band is notable for including two musicians, Robert Plant and John Bonham, who went on to join Led Zeppelin, as well as Dave Pegg, who would become a member of both Fairport Convention and Jethro Tull.
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I came across the Gat Brothers on Youtube and they are not only great, but also an enigma: 2 rocking rabbis.
From the Algemeiner site:
What was initially perceived by many Israeli television viewers as a gimmick has turned into a phenomenon. A pair of devout, soft-spoken chasidic brothers in skullcaps and sidecurls are breaking down stereotypes and have emerged, according to a Times of Israel report, as the most unlikely of media darlings — reality rock stars.Two days before their appearance in the championship round of the hit Israeli reality talent show ‘Rising Star’, Arie and Gil Gat have grown from a local obsession into international sensations. Increasingly known around the world as the ‘singing rabbis’, the brothers look, dress and act the part of the classic religious Jew – yet pound out an intoxicating rock & roll beat that can’t be denied.The Gat brothers found their way to a more strictly religious lifestyle a decade ago yet never gave up their love of music, according to a profile piece published by Israel’s Channel 2 website. Before deciding to audition for ‘Rising Star’, Arie and Gil sought out and received Halachic (Jewish legal) approval to appear on a prime time television program whose target audience is largely secular Israelis.
Here are some video links to them busking on the streets of Jerusalem:
Sultans of Swing:
While My Guitar Gently Weeps:
The Boxer:
Heart of Gold:
Sound of Silence:
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All worth clicking on and listening to.
Sunday, October 13, 2024
POETRY SPOT
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Corny Bill
- Henry Lawson
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Some preliminary comments:
This poem by Henry Lawson was published in In the Days When the World Was Wide and Other Verses, 1896.
From:
This nostalgic ballad celebrates a humble swagman named Corny Bill, recalling their shared experiences of hardship and camaraderie. Lawson's language is unadorned, capturing the earthy vernacular of the bush.Compared to Lawson's other works, "Corny Bill" is a more lighthearted and affectionate portrayal of a stock character, replacing the often harsh and unforgiving depiction of life on the wallaby. However, the poem still reflects the era's social stratification, where itinerant workers like Bill are often marginalised.The poem's informal tone and conversational style distinguish it from the more traditional and elevated poetic conventions of the time. It offers a glimpse into the lives of those often overlooked, providing a poignant and authentic tribute to the spirit of mateship and resilience.
Terminology:
Corny: coming from Cornwall, England
Clays: clay pipes
Wallaby: “on the wallaby” means to travel the outback as a swaggie or sundowner (tramp and casual workers). “on the wallaby track” and “hump the drum” mean the same thing. ‘On the wallaby track’ is often shortened to ‘on the wallaby’, meaning wandering about on foot, whether in search of work or otherwise.
Drum: The swag carried on one’s back with one’s belongings, the travelling with one being to hump one’s drum. Also known as a bluey and as Matilda. hence waltzing Matilda meant to ttrvel by foot carring ones belongings in a rolled up blanket on one's back.
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A sung version:
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Corny Bill
- Henry Lawson
His old clay pipe stuck in his mouth,
His hat pushed from his brow,
His dress best fitted for the South --
I think I see him now;
And when the city streets are still,
And sleep upon me comes,
I often dream that me an' Bill
Are humpin' of our drums.
I mind the time when first I came
A stranger to the land;
And I was stumped, an' sick, an' lame
When Bill took me in hand.
Old Bill was what a chap would call
A friend in poverty,
And he was very kind to all,
And very good to me.
We'd camp beneath the lonely trees
And sit beside the blaze,
A-nursin' of our wearied knees,
A-smokin' of our clays.
Or when we'd journeyed damp an' far,
An' clouds were in the skies,
We'd camp in some old shanty bar,
And sit a-tellin' lies.
Though time had writ upon his brow
And rubbed away his curls,
He always was -- an' may be now --
A favourite with the girls;
I've heard bush-wimmin scream an' squall --
I've see'd 'em laugh until
They could not do their work at all,
Because of Corny Bill.
He was the jolliest old pup
As ever you did see,
And often at some bush kick-up
They'd make old Bill M.C.
He'd make them dance and sing all night,
He'd make the music hum,
But he'd be gone at mornin' light
A-humpin' of his drum.
Though joys of which the poet rhymes
Was not for Bill an' me,
I think we had some good old times
Out on the wallaby.
I took a wife and left off rum,
An' camped beneath a roof;
But Bill preferred to hump his drum
A-paddin' of the hoof.
The lazy, idle loafers what
In toney houses camp
Would call old Bill a drunken sot,
A loafer, or a tramp;
But if the dead should ever dance --
As poets say they will --
I think I'd rather take my chance
Along of Corny Bill.
His long life's-day is nearly o'er,
Its shades begin to fall;
He soon must mount his bluey for
The last long tramp of all;
I trust that when, in bush an' town,
He's lived and learnt his fill,
They'll let the golden slip-rails down
For poor old Corny Bill.
Saturday, October 12, 2024
Friday, October 11, 2024
5 x 5 CONTINUED: BOOKS
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Continuing 5 Facts about 5 Boooks (being my favourites).
This is the last instalment you may be happy, or sadddened, to heare.
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LORD OF THE RINGS
The Lord of the Rings is an epic high fantasy novel by the English author and scholar J. R. R. Tolkien (1892-1973). Set in Middle-earth, the story began as a sequel to Tolkien's 1937 children's book The Hobbit, but eventually developed into a much larger work. Written in stages between 1937 and 1949, The Lord of the Rings is one of the best-selling books ever written, with over 150 million copies sold.
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Facts:
1.
Tolkien was a devout Catholic. He served in the British Army during World War I and his experiences in the trenches, and his grief at his friends’ deaths, later influenced aspects of his fiction. He studied at Oxford University, where he later became a Professor of English Language and Literature. He also studied philology, a branch of linguistics that analyses the origins of languages.
Tolkien during WW1
2.
Some early critics of the books were harsh. In this excerpt from The Great British Dream Factory by Dominic Sandbrook, he quotes Edmund Wilson, who called the books “juvenile trash” in 1956. Philip Toynbee wrote that “today those books have passed into a merciful oblivion.” The Lord of the Rings is considered one of the greatest fantasy books ever written, and it has helped to create and shape the modern fantasy genre. Since release, it has been reprinted many times and translated into at least 38 languages. Its enduring popularity has led to numerous references in popular culture, the founding of many societies by fans of Tolkien's works, and the publication of many books about Tolkien and his works. It has inspired many derivative works, including paintings, music, films, television, video games, and board games.
3.
Sean Connery turned down the role of Gandalf because he didn't understand the script. Hey was considered for the role but he eventually turned it down and commented, "I never understood it. I read the book. I read the script. I saw the movie. I still don't understand it." Connery may have regretted this decision, his compensation for the job would have included a substantial percentage of the profits of the films. Actor Christopher Lee, who died in 2015, commented that, for decades, he had dreamt of playing Gandalf. By the time the films were made, he was well into his seventies and too old for the physical demands of the role. Instead he was cast as Saruman, the beginning of a major career revival that continued with George Lucas's Star Wars movies, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, as well as Jackson's The Hobbit trilogy. Lee also had the distinction of being the only cast member to have ever met the esteemed author. Lee had read the LOTR books every year for 40 years before landing the role of Saruman.
4.
Aragorn and Arwen are cousins (63 times removed!). Basically Aragorn is a descendant of Elros, Elrond's brother. They were part of a race called "halfelves" who get to choose between elven and human existence. Elrond opted for an immortal life in Rivendell, while Elros chose to be human. This is probably why (many, many generations later) Elrond allowed his nephew to move into the elven enclave where Aragorn got very friendly with Elrond's daughter. It's also why Aragorn lives so much longer than other men.
5.
The Beatles tried to make their own LOTR movie. In his documentary, The Beatles: Get Back, Jackson revealed this tidbit. The fab four read (and loved!) LOTR in the late '60s and decided to make a feature film of their own, with Paul McCartney as Frodo, John Lennon as Gollum, George Harrison as Gandalf, and Ringo Starr as Sam. They hoped to get director Stanley Kubrick on board. But ultimately, they couldn't get the rights from Tolkien who wasn't keen on a pop group doing his story.
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