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So here we are in 2025. In the words of John Lennon, the new year just begun, let’s hope it’s a good one, and that it has lots of Friday fun. No, that’s not true, I added the last bit, but the sentiment holds true, so here is the weekly Funny Friday.
Some belated New Year jokes included, as well as a couple of Scottish ones for Dave. Happy New Year laddie.
Enjoy.
Caution: risquΓ© content ahead.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Year’s Eve?
They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
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A guy walks into a bar on New Year's Eve and orders a glass of champagne. "Happy New Year!" he shouts.
"Calm down," the bartender reprimands him. "It's still hours away."
"Sorry," the guy apologises. "My doctor told me I sometimes suffer from premature congratulations."
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Two drunken Irishmen in a graveyard.
Paddy starts reading the gravestones.
"Mick" he says;
Would you look at this, a feller here who was 90 when he died!"
"Who's that?" says Mick.
"Somebody called O'Toole from Kerry," he replies.
Mick says, "Never mind him, there's a feller here called Murphy, was 99 when he died! From Castletown of all places!
"Well that’s nothing!" says Paddy.
"What about what written on this feller's stone, here right beside the gate!"
"The stone says 147!"
"147? That’s amazing!" says Mick.
"Who was he?"
"Well according to the stone, its somebody called Miles from Dublin.”
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Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs!"
"Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior was first to open hers, stared at it for a moment, then leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
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A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing.
Luckily, there's a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who answers.
She thinks for a minute. "No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."
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The New York City Public Schools have officially declared Jewish English, now dubbed Hebronics, as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognise Hebronics as a valid language and a significant attribute of American culture. According to Howard Ashland, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebronics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Professor Shulman explains, "In Hebronics, the response to any question is usually another question with a complaint that is either implied or stated. Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my bad feet?' Shulman says that Hebronics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You should want a nosebleed?"
Another Hebronics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."
Shulman says one also sees the Hebronics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."
Shulman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook,
Switched-On Hebronics:
Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebronic response: "What am I, a clock?"
Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English answer: "Thanks."
Hebronic response: "I should be so lucky!"
Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English answer: "Be right there."
Hebronic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry business? Is there a fire?"
Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time."
English answer: "Glad you like it."
Hebronic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?"
Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English answer: "Congratulations!"
Hebronic response: "She could stand to lose a few pounds."
Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebronic response: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"
To the guest of honor at a birthday party:
English answer: "Happy birthday."
Hebronic response: "A year smarter you should become."
Remark: "A beautiful day."
English answer: "Sure is."
Hebronic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
Answering a phone call from a son:
English answer: "It's been a while since you called."
Hebronic response: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead already?"
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A Scottish woman visiting the U.S. walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a domestic beer. The bartender asks, "Anheuser Busch?"
The woman, a bit confused replies " It's fine I guess...... Anheuser pecker?"
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young lady of Gloucester
Whose friends they thought they had lost her
Till they found on the grass
The marks of her arse,
And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
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GALLERY:
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CORN CORNER:
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December 30 has officially been designated as New Year’s Adam.
It comes before New Year’s Eve, a disappointment she’s all too familiar with.
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If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced
"BOOM"
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If you own a house and find one ant, you’re okay. If you see two ants, it’s still fine. Six ants? Be careful. Seven ants? Try to get rid of them. Nine ants is the true limit. Because if you find one more, you have tenants and can’t get rid of them without a court order
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I was told that I wouldn’t be very good at poetry due to my dyslexia.
But I think the vase and coffee mug I’ve made so far aren’t too bad.
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Who decided to make dyslexia such a hard word to spell?
Probably the same asshole who thought it'd be fun to add an "s" to lisp.
And who put five syllables in monosyllabic?
And why is separated all together and all together separated?
And the person who named the fear of long words
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.
( It really is, see:
Same guy who named a speech impediment where they can't pronounce the letter r as "rhotacism".
And named the speech impediment where someone has difficulty pronouncing the letter L "lamdacism".
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What do Alcoholics call New Year's Eve?
Amateur night!
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What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"Cute, cute, but can it pick up peanuts?"
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I was staying in a hotel last night.
I phoned down to reception. “Hi, this is room 26. Can I have a wake up call, please?”
She said “Yes, you’re in your mid 30s, single, live with your mother and have achieved nothing in life!"
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