FUNNY FRIDAY

---- 😊😊😊 -----

A belated Funny Friday, readers, a day late due to my having lost track of the days over the Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Hope your Christmas was joyous and peaceful.

The fact that my awareness and memory played up also sets the theme for this Funny Friday: memory. Some are from the vault.

Enjoy readers, and a happy coming new year.

Caution: risqué content ahead.

---- 😊😊😊 -----

SOME HUMOUR:

__________

Did you know that having too much sex can lead to memory loss?

I read that in Men's Sexual Health Magazine Volume 6, Issue 17, Page 71 on August 24th, 2015 at 8:46 AM

__________

I told my doctor I was having problems with my memory...

He made me pay in advance. .

__________

My favourite childhood memory with my grandad is when i was building a sand castle with him...

...until my mom took the urn back.

__________

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.

I have researched the history of ...."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked."

---- 😊😊😊 -----

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!”

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

__________

A group of 40 year old buddies get together and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

After plenty of conversation, it is finally agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and are pretty.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discusses where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant has a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they have never been there before.

__________

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

---- 😊😊😊 -----

LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

'Australia' is a hard word to rhyme but there have been previous postings of limericks using that as the main rhyme. Here is another . . . 

There was a young man of Australia

Who went on a wild bacchanalia.

He buggered a frog,

Two mice and a dog,

And a bishop in fullest regalia.

---- 😊😊😊 -----

GALLERY:

---- 😊😊😊 -----

CORN CORNER:

__________

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB

That was a trip down memory lane.

__________

When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...

'T. Hanks - For the Memories'

__________

A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

__________

For those of you with feelings of paranoia that you are being watched:

I want you to know that you are not alone.

__________

Why do farts smell?

For the benefit of the deaf...

__________

79% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:

Always

Coming

From

Take

Me

Down

(You have been Rick rolled).

__________

2 Irishmen walk out of a bar. …………… Hey! It could happen.