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Enjoy.
Caution: risqué content ahead.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with horse racing.
I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....
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A farmer goes to the market to sell his horse for $2000, and a man buys it from him.
The farmer says he'll deliver it to the man in one week's time, but halfway through the week the horse dies.
The farmer offers to refund the man's money, but the man chooses to buy it anyway.
The next week the farmer sees and asks the man what he did with the dead horse.
The man says 'Oh I held a lucky draw, $50 for a chance to win a horse. 100 people entered, and I collected $5000.
The farmer, shocked, asks 'But wasn't anyone upset with the horse?'
The man replies 'Oh yes, only the winner, but I refunded him his $50.'
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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are walking around London when a cat jumps on Watson and pees on him.
"Oh bloody hell" says an upset Watson, "my shirt is ruined"
"Well, you got to take it up with the owner", says Sherlock calmly.
"I've no clue who the owner is!" shouts Watson, still angry.
"Well, my dear Watson", says Sherlock, "You are pissed on and pissed off at the same time, it's Schrödinger's cat"
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Teacher asks class to use the work "definitely" in a sentence.
Susie starts: "The sky is definitely blue".
Teacher: "Well, that's not always true, sometimes it's cloudy and grey".
David says: "The grass is definitely green".
Teacher: "Sometimes, if it's not watered, grass turns brown.”
Finally, Johnny says: "Are farts lumpy?"
Teacher: "No."
Johnny: "Then I definitely shit my pants"
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My wife has just told me, she thinks we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.
I told her, "I think you mean fewer".
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Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
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A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married.
After the wedding and reception, the couple go to a hotel to check in.
The lady behind the desk asks ‘Would you like the bridal suite?'
'No thanks,’ says the jockey ‘I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'
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A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin and they are both waiters. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask.” “Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want try someting I have heard about from other girls ... Nummaa 69".
More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her . . . "You want . . . garric chicken with corrifrowa?"
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At a revival meeting the preacher is promoting faith healing. “If you believe, you will be healed. All it takes is faith. Believe that the Lord Jesus Christ will cure you and His love will make you whole. Is there anyone here who wants to be healed?”
A little old lady in the front row raises her hand and he calls her on stage. She makes her way slowly on her crutches. He asks her name and she says “Mrs Smith.” He asks whether she has faith and she replies “Yes”. The preacher says “Then go behind the curtain, Mrs Smith, and you will be healed.”
He asks again if anyone else wants healing. Bily Bloggs raises his hand and says “Neth.” He too is called onstage and asked his name/ It is obvious that he has a speech defect resulting from a cleft palate when he says “Nilly Noggs.” Again the preacher asks “Do you have faith?” and receives an answer from Billy Bloggs, “Neth.” “Then go behind the curtain and you too will be healed.”
“Mrs Smith, throw out your crutch.”
A crutch is thrown over the curtain.
“Mrs Smith, throw out your right crutch.”
As the congregation chants and praises the Lord, with many Hallelujahs, the other crutch came over the curtain.
“Now, Billy Bloggs, have faith, speak to me.”
From behind the curtain comes Billy Bloggs' voice, “Mithith Nith juth fallen on ner arth.”
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
In the shell Sue is great,
But her boyfriend's irate,
When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
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CORN CORNER:
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I ate horse last week and it made me seriously ill.
It gave me the trots but now I'm in a stable condition.
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Divorce is a lot like algebra…
Do you ever look at your X and wonder Y?
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I've got a horse named Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
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A man named his dog tax. Every time he opened the door….in come tax.
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How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?
They bless the reins down in Africa.
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There is a beaver in our local zoo who is quite the celebrity. His name is Clint.
Clint EatsWood.
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100 years ago everyone had horses and only the rich had cars. Now everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. . .
The stables have turned
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