Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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Welcome to another Funny Friday folks, getting ready for Christmas?

Christmas items coming.

Byter John P sent me an email during the week that included some Jewish humour (I love Jewish humour) about shoes. It has appeared in Bytes before but I am reposting it because it is quite funny. It appears below in the From the Vault category.

Thanks John.

It also sets today’s theme: shoes.

Enjoy, readers.

Caution: risqué content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son…”

"Why are we living in Lakemba and still wearing all this shit?

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Johnny was in class at school when his teacher asked 'Jane. What did you do last weekend?

'I went for a ride on a choo choo train.' Jane replied proudly.

'That's fantastic!' replied the teacher, 'but you need to use grown up words. Next time just say train, not choo choo train. Tim, what did you do last weekend?'

Tim thought for a second and said 'I went to granny and grampys house.'

'Oh, that's lovely' replied teacher, 'but remember to use grown up words. Grandma and grandpa. Johnny, what did you do last weekend? And remember to use grown up words.'

Johnny though for a few seconds and said 'I read a book'

'Oh very good. What was the name of the book?'

'Whinny The Shit.'

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A man is cleaning out his grandfather’s home after the grandfather passed away at 90. In one of the grandfather’s old overcoat pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.

In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see that the shoe shop was still in business and is still at the same location. The man enters the shop and starts talking to the owner. The owner explains that he is, in fact, the grandson of the original owner and has worked in the shop all his life.

The man gives the ticket to the shop owner and he heads into the back of the shop just to see if the shoes are still there.

After some time he returns from the back of the shop and says “They will be ready on Thursday."

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If I bought 100 Bitcoin in 2012 I'd be incredibly rich today, but I would still have no freaking clue why.

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So pleased with myself! Good deed done today.

This afternoon at the supermarket checkout, I was behind an older lady in the queue. Her bill came to $56.83 but when she counted out all her change, she only had just under $50.

I thought she was probably someone’s Grandma and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Grandma out if she was in this situation. So I thought, “Come on, it’s Christmas”......

She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves ..... Have a great Christmas!

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Received from John P:

Today's gags reminded me of a couple of Jewish jokes which deserve retelling.

For the first one, you need to know that Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) is probably the most solemn or holiest day on the Jewish calendar. By contrast, Simchat Torah (Joy of Torah, aka the Pentateuch) is a joyous occasion.

Having commemorated Kol Nidre the previous evening, the synagogue congregation is observing Yom Kippur. And the chazan (cantor) is in full voice when he is distracted by the vision through an open window of a voluptuous, naked women in a nearby apartment. His face is suddenly wreathed in smiles. The rabbi, ever conscious of the solemnity of the day, whispers admonishingly to the chazan: "What are you doing? Today is Yom Kippur."

The chazan replies: "Rebbe, in my heart is Yom Kippur. But in my pants is Simchat Torah!"

The other story is of the old Jewish tailor who leads a very ordinary life. He is walking home one afternoon when he falls in love with a pair of patent leather shoes in a shop window. He rushes in, tries and buys the shoes and then wears them home. On the way, he calls out to passers-by: "Hey, mister, look at my new shoes. "Hey, lady, look at my new shoes."

He arrives home and greets his wife with a question: "What do you see what's different?"

The wife looks him up and down: "What do I see what's different? The same old balding head, the same old ugly face, the same old pot belly. What's different?"

The husband goes to the bathroom, undresses and returns to his wife. He is wearing only the new shoes.

"Now, what do you see what's different?"

The wife responds: "What do I see what's different?

"The same old balding head, the same old ugly face, the same old pot belly, the same old limp thing hanging down."

The husband chimes in: "What do you mean 'hanging down?'. It's pointing at my new shoes!"

The wife retorts: "Next time, buy a new hat!"

PS: I should point out that I first heard the "new shoes" joke more than 50 years ago when Barry Crocker told it in a show I was reviewing at a Melbourne nightspot.

Thanks again, John.

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The above item was posted previously in Bytes, at that time John taking me to task for not giving the better (his) version. Jiohn had then sent me a version with Jewish linguistics, which I post because it is also quite funny.

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From Bytes, May 5, 2017:

Hymie, a little old Jewish tailor, who has bought himself and his wife nothing in all their years together, is walking home from work when he passes a shoe shop.

There in the middle of the window is a pair of alligator skin shoes.

Hymie is smitten.

“I must have these shoes,” he says as he walks excitedly into the shop.

He tries the shoes on. They are a perfect fit.

The shop assistant offers to wrap them.

“No,” says Hymie. “I’m going to vear them home.”

On his way home, he calls out to passers-by: “Hey, lady! Look at my new shoes!” “Hey, mister! Look at my new shoes!”

He arrives home, still buoyed by the excitement of having his alligator skin shoes.

“Rachel,” he calls to his wife.

“Vot is it?” she says.

Hymie motions to her to look at him. He asks: “Vot do you see vot’s different?”

Rachel looks dismissively: “Vot do I see vot’s different? The same old balding head, the same old ugly face, the same old pot belly. Vot’s different?”

Hymie leaves the room, then returns completely naked – apart from the new shoes.

“Now, vot do you see vot’s different?” he says.

“Vot do I see vot’s different?” says Rachel. “The same old balding head, the same old ugly face, the same old pot belly, the same old limp thing hanging down.”

“Vot do you mean ‘hanging down’,” says Hymie. “It’s pointing at my new shoes.”

“Next time,” says Rachel. “Buy a new hat!”

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

This limerick is from the same Bytes post as featured John’s Jewish joke about the shoes, May 5, 2017. I had forgotten it, no doubt readers have as well, so it is almost as good as a new post:

A well-equipped fellow in school

Had the whole class admiring his tool.

This magnificent dong

Was quite twelve inches long

Though it wasn’t much use as a rule.

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GALLERY: