Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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A mixed bag of fun and frivolity today, folks.

As usual, caution: risque content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Man : “Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?”

Doctor : “Let me tell you a story: ‘There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, then it died!’ “

Man : “Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion…”

Doctor : “Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.”

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The person who invented the umbrella was going to simply call it 'brella'..

Then they thought about it for a second....

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I sleep better naked and it's more comfortable.

WHY CAN'T THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT UNDERSTAND THIS?

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A waitress asks the customer: "Comfortable, sir?"

The customer responds: "No, comeforfood"

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Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

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I came out to my parents this week, I said I wanted to become a mechanic.

I've already started transmissioning...

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From Bytes, April 20 20212 -

By way of introduction to the first Funny Friday item, which is an oldie but a goodie, I will mention that it came up in a discussion with my son about dancing.

Notwithstanding that King David honoured the Lord by dancing (2 Samuel 6: 14-16), dancing has long had a strong sexual content. George Bernard Shaw recognised this when he described it as “the vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalised by music.”

Those who have read Edward Albee’s play Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf may recall the scene where Martha is dancing provocatively with Nick, while her husband George and Nick’s mousey wife, Honey, watch:

HONEY: They're dancing like they've danced before.

GEORGE: It's a familiar dance ... they both know it ..

MARTHA: Don't be shy.

NICK: I'm ...not

GEORGE [to HONEY]: It's a very old ritual, monkey-nipples. . . old as they come.

As a digression, the roles of Martha and George in the movie version were superbly acted by Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. The latter should have received an Oscar.

It’s interesting, is it not, that as attitudes towards sex have become more liberal and morality has relaxed, dancing has become less sexual. In past times when sex was less open, men and women held each other and moved together. Today they don’t touch.

In Judaism, especially in Orthodox tradition, men and women are separated in some ceremonies and contexts, for instance in some Orthodox prayer services, weddings and bar mitzvahs. Currently, the majority of Orthodox Jews do not participate in mixed dancing.

Which leads me to the classic funny about it.

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(A “mitzvah” is a commandment or a moral deed performed as a religious duty).

Preparing for their religious wedding, a modern Orthodox Jewish couple met with their rabbi for counselling. Before leaving the meeting, the rabbi asked if they had any last minute questions.

"Rabbi," the man asked, "we realise that it is tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women, at the reception, but we would like to ask for your permission to dance together."

"Most definitely not!" replied the rabbi. "It is immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"Then I can't even dance with my wife after the ceremony?" asked the man.

"NO!" answered the rabbi. "It is strictly forbidden."

"Well, what about sex?" the man asked. "Is it permitted for us to finally have sex?"

"Oh, certainly," the rabbi said. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children."

"What about different positions?" the man inquired.

"That's no problem," said the rabbi. ""It's a mitzvah."

"Even with the woman on top, or doggy style?" the man asked.

"Sure," answered the rabbi. "Go for it, after all, it's a mitzvah."

"Can we even do it on the bed, with mirrors on the ceiling, a vibrator and a bottle of hot oil?" asked the man.

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah," the rabbi replied.

"What about doing it standing up?" asked the man.

"No! No!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Absolutely not! NEVER standing up!"

"Why not?" the confused man asked.

"That could lead to dancing!" the rabbi replied.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There was a young girl from Hong Kong

Who said, "You are utterly wrong

To say my vagina

Is the largest in China

Just because of your mean little dong."

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GALLERY:

(I just love Jim Ungar’s Herman cartoons, love how he draws the characters and the so dry but so true situations) . . .

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RELIGION SPOT

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham,” replies the old man.

“How do you know you’re going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.

“I already speak Russian."

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Some reader comments re the above:

I thought judaism didn't have hell. I was under the impression that hell was a christian invention.

Ask two Jews what happens after you die and get three different answers.

As a Jew, I would also say that we really do often have multiple opinions when trying to explain something. Perhaps because it is a very ancient culture, with different stories handed down. Example: ask several different Jews why we step on a glass (or lightbulb) at a wedding. Many different answers.

So why do Jews step on a glass or lightbulbs at weddings?

Well, obviously the answer varies. Some say it is to show how fragile a marriage can be. It can also symbolize fidelity, as the bride and groom can drink from the glass, then it is broken to show that no one else can share in this. Many couples want to keep the glass they drink from, so then we just step on a light bulb. It is inside something, so it is safe. Some might say it is just a fun tradition with a satisfying loud popping sound. Which suggests a slightly different interpretation of popping, though I really don’t think that’s one of the popular answers. The joke (even among Jews, so it really isn’t an anti Semitic trope) about getting more answers than people you asked is legit, since some will give more Than one possible answer. For all we know, maybe it was just a way to sell more glasses , lol

My Jewish friend said it was the last time the man gets to put his foot down, so there's yet another explanation!

The origin comes from the Talmud, where the practice was to break something during a happy occasion to remember the destruction of the temple. See Berachos, 31a, https://www.sefaria.org/Berakhot.31a?lang=bi

So I'm probably gonna end up proving the 2 Jews 3 opinions, but the original religious reason is to remember the sacking of Jerusalem and the holy temple. We do it so that even in the happiest of times, we do not forget what happened to the temple and to Jerusalem, what we lost and should theoretically be looking to rebuild. With time it become a symbol of marriage itself and is actually a fun moment.

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