ANOTHER CHRISTMAS ITEM FROM THE VAULT

Redneck Christmas

Roy Jerden

T'were the night after Christmas, 'n' the house was all dark.

Not much money for 'lectric in the ol' trailer park.

Ma waitin' tables at the club on the base,

jist me and my sisters alone in the place.

A big ol' blue norther, t'were a hard winter storm.

We's all snuggled up close, jist tryin' ta stay warm.

The trailer's as cold as a well digger's ass,

cause they come out that mornin' and turnt off the gas.

I shore kinda hated to git out of that bed,

but ol' Mother Nature made me git up, instead.

I'd gotta go out if I wanted a leak,

'cause the toilet had bin all plugged up fer a week.

Outside it 'peered warmer, which was a suprise.

As I peed on the tree, sumpin lit up the skies.

Them lights shined down on the yard, and I froze.

Shore prayed it warn't one of them weird UFO's.

As I stood thar turnin' round and around

there was white stuff fallin' and coatin' the ground.

I grabbed a big buncha it up in my mitts.

I thought it was snow, but turnt out it were grits.

I heared a big motor runnin' up overhead

and down come a monster truck painted all red.

It bounced on the front 'n' bounced on the back,

then the driver clumb down 'n' grabbed a tow sack.

He was white-haired 'n' husky, with red overalls,

long ZZ Top whiskers 'n' blood-shot eyeballs.

A red John Deere work cap was perched on his nut

and a WalMart white T-shirt half-covered his gut.

He look like he just come off'n the farm,

'cept fer them tattoos of elves on his arm.

As I stood around there jist like a complete dick,

he says, “Boy ain't you gonna say crap to St. Nick?”

“Yes siree Bob”, says I, “I got sumpin to say.

I'd shore like ta know where you was yesterday.

The toilet's stopped up and we's all out of heat,

ain't got no money and they's nuthin' to eat.”

“I was fixin' ta make it on time”, he then said.

He look kinda sheepish, and hung down his head.

“But I stopped at a bar when I finished my rounds.

And run inna St. Paddy at the Hare 'n' the Hounds."

"Ya know that he's the very best pal of St. Nick.

But there's none who can put 'em away like that Mick.

And the next thing ya know, we's over at Chances

Where that Tooth Fairy is doin' ten-dollar lap dances.”

“The Tooth Fairy a stripper? That done give me the chills!”

“Yessir”, says he, “Where ya think she gits all them bills?”

“Jist a minute”, I goes. “Where's the reindeer and sleigh?”

He turnt even redder, and then looked away.

“Well, we had a poker game goin', I thought I would win.

I was holdin' four aces and bet everthang in.”

There was a palpable silence, a terrible hush.

“Then that damn Easter Bunny laid down a straight flush.”

“Well, I cut cards with a redneck and won me that truck

But as for the reindeer, they was squat outta luck

They throwed a big barbeque, and cooked 'em up slow

But I must say them reindeer's good eatin', ya know?”

No Dasher, no Dancer, no Prancer and Vixen!

No Comet, no Cupid, no Donner and Blitzen!

For hung on that red-painted monster truck's nose

was eight pairs of antlers, lined up in two rows.

“Anyway, I brung vittles for you and the girls.”

And out of the sack he pulled seven skint squirrels.

“I jist bagged 'em thar in yer neighbor's back yard

Fry 'em up well, boy, with plenty of lard.”

I goes, “Them squirrels is rilly fine eatin' fer shore,

But ta git past tomorrow, we's gonna need more.”

says he,“Well, I's a bit short on cash fer today.”

And he give me six lottery numbers to play.

Then up drives my ma with bad blood in her eye

Draws out her six-shooter, jist primed to let fly.

Then lowers her arm down and commences to bawl

says, “I love you, you bastard, you tol' me you'd call!”

He says, “Boy, looks like it's not healthy to linger

Sticks his mitt out 'n' goes “Just pull on my finger.

The truck is fer you, son. I bid ya goodnight.”

And on a column of wind, he plumb riz out of sight.

I feels fevered and flushed as I stands there in awe

And I reckons this redneck St. Nick was my paw.

A voice far-off hollers, “Merry Christmas, now, y'all!

Then adds, “Don't fret none baby, jist wait fer my call!”

P.S.

Them lottery numbers worked out good. We bought a double-wide on our own lot 'n' a giant TV and still had lots of money left over fer me to go to big rig truck driving school and Ma to that there beauty college. And on top of that a Nigerian guy is going to deposit over a million dollars in my bank account.