Friday, November 1, 2024
FUNNY FRIDAY
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Good morning readers, time for more F words . . . Funny Friday.
Today's theme; families, with a number brought out from the vault (jokes, not family).
Enjoy.
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SOME HUMOUR:
__________
I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.
They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.
I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.
__________
David had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out David's Last Will and Testament.
To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and two million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Lexus, the new Jaguar and $250,000.
To my daughter Shriley I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my little brother Aaron, who never worked a day in his life, was always asking me for money and always said I would forget him in my Will....Hello Aaron.
__________
People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person
( That means I talk down to people. )
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__________
A guy’s wife is having a heart attack so he calls for an ambulance:
My wife is having a heart attack, send an ambulance quick.
What is the address?
1567 Eucalyptus Street
And how do you spell that?
E, U... wait, U, E, C... wait Y,E.... fuck it, meet me on Oak, I'll drag her over there.
__________
My wife and I are both unemployed. My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we're all staying in my grandma's place, and my grandma died this week. My dad has to work at 73. I'll do any job to take care of my family. Please share.
Sincerely,
William, Prince of Wales
__________
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.
So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family.
__________
My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
__________
One day, an Amish family decided to go into town and visit a shopping mall for the very first time.
The mother went to look at lady's clothing, while the father and the eight-year-old son headed for the sporting goods section. The boy and his father were standing by the elevator, and watched as an old grey-haired lady with a walker entered the elevator. The elevator doors closed, then a minute later, they opened and a beautiful young lady big huge boobs stepped out.
The father said, "Go fetch your mother.”
__________
A garbage collector in Cairns, Australia is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and then harder still.
Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "G’day, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No! No! Mate, where's your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"
"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
__________
The Jones family is having a reunion where the matriarch is a 98 year old woman who is confined to a wheelchair and cannot speak, so she uses a pen and notepad to communicate.
While watching her great grandchildren play, she begins to lean to the left. So cousin Joe lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her left side. Later she begins to lean to the right, so cousin John lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her right side.
Later, Uncle Bob approaches and asks if she's enjoying the family reunion. She takes out her notepad and slowly writes, "They won't let me fart"
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
A concert conductor in Rio
Fell in love with a lady named Cleo;
As she took down her panties
He said ‘No andantes!
I want it allegro con brio!
Andante: moderately slow. usually used as a direction in music.
Allegro con brio: musical term meaning lively, with brightness.
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GALLERY:
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CORN CORNER:
__________
I think my family is racist.
I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.
__________
Took the family to see Disney on Ice this weekend...
Wasn't expecting to see his actual head.
__________
I just got a new family doctor!
I just got a new family doctor! He's really great. I've seen him five times this month. My only issue with him is, he always wants to take my blood for tests.
Anyway if anyone is interested his name is
Dr. Acula
__________
To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.
I have contacts.
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