FUNNY FRIDAY

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Today’s theme, people, is cars, for no other reason that I thought of that as I was getting into my car.

I have repeated a number of car jokes from past Bytes in that they are worth another run, or drive, as the case may be.

BTW:

in 1962 "The Beverly Hillbillies" premiered on CBS-TV.

...and they rolled into American living rooms, in this now famous rig.

Did you know:

The truck is based on a 1921 Oldsmobile Model 43-A touring car. The Model 43-A was powered by a 43-horsepower 4-cylinder engine and rode on a 115-inch wheelbase.

Even though Jethro wasn’t too bright, he must have been a good mechanic to have driven a 40-year-old truck from the Ozark Mountains to California and then keep the Olds running for nine seasons in Beverly Hills.

The Clampetts’ truck was built by Hollywood customizer George Barris. According to Barris TV & Movie Cars, Barris was asked to design a suitable vehicle for a hillbilly family. Barris found a 1921 Olds behind a feed store in nearby Fontana, California. Time and previous owners had done most of the work to make the perfect hillbilly truck. The finish had the right patina, and the rear half of the body had already been removed. It was once common to remove the rear half of a car body to create a truck, and many prewar cars ended their days as trucks. Barris added a rear platform with a high bench for Granny and Elly May. Little else was needed to make one of television’s most famous cars.

Enjoy Byters.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Today the CEO of my company came in to the office in a brand new BMW. “Nice car”, I complimented him.

“Well”, he said, “if you put in enough time, effort, and dedication, and work as hard as you can then next year I’ll have even a better car.”

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A rookie soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

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A motorist is driving past a mental hospital on a dark, moonless night when he gets a flat tyre.

As he begins to change the tyre, he notices that one of the patients is looking at him over the top of the fence whilst leaning his arms and chin on the fence.

Nervous, trying to work quickly, he jacks up the car, takes off the wheel, puts the wheel nuts into the hubcap on the ground and gets the spare tyre.

Whilst taking the spare tyre to the wheel, he steps on the hubcap, sending the wheel nuts clattering into a storm drain.

The mental patient is still watching him through the fence.

The motorist desperately looks into the storm drain but the wheel nuts are gone. He paces back and forth in the dark with the patient still watching him, trying to think of what to do.

Finally the patient says "Take one wheel nut off each of the other wheels and put them on this wheel and you’ll have three on each. That will get you home and tomorrow you can take it to your mechanic and get the missing wheel nuts replaced.”

"That's brilliant," says the motorist, "What's someone like you doing in an asylum?"

“I might be crazy,” replied the patient, “but I’m not stupid.”

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When Julia Gillard was Prime Minister she was being driven back to Canberra by her ministerial driver in her government car when it had a flat tyre. Try as he might, the driver couldn’t get the hubcap off, having only his hands to work with.

After some time, Julia leant out of the window and said “Would you like a screwdriver?”

“Might as well,” replied the driver, “I’m not getting anywhere with this hubcap.”

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The coffee shop has a sign that says, “No wi-fi, pretend it’s 1973”…

So I paid ten cents for my coffee and lit a cigarette.

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There was a guy who had an old car and wanted to sell it but no one wanted to buy it.

His friend said he would give some advice that would help him sell his car, then told him to take the badge off a Lamborghini and stick it on his car.

The guy really liked the idea and did it immediately!

A week later, his friend asked him, "Have you sold your car or not yet?"

He replied “Are you crazy or something? Who sells a fucking Lamborghini!”

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Whilst on government cars and drivers . . .

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese was being driven back to Canberra from Sydney along the Federal Highway one evening. In the dark, they run over a pig.

There is a farmhouse nearby and Albo tells his driver to go and tell the occupants about the pig so that they can claim compensation.

He's gone for about two hours and comes back staggering, lipstick on his face, drunk, holding a bottle of champagne and smoking a large cigar.

Albanese says to him ”What kept you?”

The driver says “Boss, all I know is that when I told them what had happened, the man of the house insisted I have sex with his daughter, drink champagne and smoke his finest cigars.”

“My God.” says Albanese, “exactly what did you say to him?’

“Well, I knocked on the door and said ‘I’m Anthony Albanese’s driver and I’ve just killed the pig.’ Then the father offered me his daughter, gave me champagne and shared his cigars.”

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I was in a cafe the other day when I looked at the next table and Gary Kasparov was sitting and enjoying his food. I asked if he minded passing me the salt from his table..

It took him 21 minutes

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A little boy is excited because the circus has come to town. They had a parade with a band and animals and clowns! Oh, the clowns were fabulous! He was so excited that he got a ticket right away.

The show began and there were stunts and people on the high wire and trained animals. Then out came a tiny car and out from it poured a endless stream of clowns who did the funniest things you ever saw. It was absolutely hilarious. Then all of a sudden the clowns stopped and started looking around, all puzzled. They searched high and low and still they kept going. Finally one clown stopped and addressed the audience, "we seem to have lost our horse and we need help finding him. Would the person in row 32 seat H please stand up?" The boy notes that he is in that seat so he stands up! The clown says, "Ah! We've found the horse's ass, now we need to find the rest of the horse!"

The audience roars with laughter and the boy turned beet red. He tore from the tent in humiliation, mostly because he didn't know what to say! He decided that would never happen to him again. He pulled out his most recent copy of Boy's Life and found an ad for a book for snappy comebacks, so be bought it. It arrived and he proceeded to memorise it in its entirety. He had the local librarian borrow similar books that he also memorised.

As he grew up, he practised his snappy comebacks, but was he ready? No! He went to a college that allowed you construct your own major, so he majored in Snappy Comebacks. He studied Moliere, Shakespeare, Henny Youngman, Phyllis Diller, all the greats. He earned his major. Was he ready? No. He went on to get a PhD in snappy comebacks. Was he ready? No. He started publishing papers presenting a full taxonomy of snappy comebacks, classifying them by type, cultural reference, social import and final impact. Was he ready? Yes.

He returned to his home town and waited for the circus. When it arrived, they had a parade with a band and animals and clowns! Oh, the clowns were fabulous! He got a ticket right away for the same seat.

The show began and there were stunts and people on the high wire and trained animals. Then out came a tiny car and out from it poured an endless stream of clowns who did the funniest things you ever saw. It was absolutely hilarious. Then all of a sudden the clowns stopped and started looking around, all puzzled. They searched high and low and still they kept going. Finally one clown stopped and addressed the audience, "We seem to have lost our horse and we need help finding him. Would the person in row 32 seat H please stand up?" The boy notes that he is in that seat so he stands up!

The clown says, "Ah! We've found the horse's ass, now we need to find the rest of the horse!"

And he says in a loud, steady voice, "FUCK YOU CLOWN!"

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A report came on the news that a maniac was driving the wrong way down the motorway.

I thought I had better give my grandad, who was visiting me, a call and warn him.

He said, "There's not just one, there's hundreds of them."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There was a young lady named Eta

Who fancied herself in a sweater;

Three reasons she had:

Keeping warm was not bad,

But the other two reasons were better.

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GALLERY:

Jesus does drive a Honda Accord but He keeps it a secret: "I did not speak of my own Accord". (John 12:49).

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CORN CORNER:

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I bought this sweet car online

Turns out it used to be owned by Neil Diamond.

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I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was…just too much history between us.

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Why did the Pharaoh have a horn as a doorbell?

So people could toot-and-come-in