FUNNY FRIDAY

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This week some humour about aliens, inspired by my watching a sci fi flick about them. Some have been in Bytes before but hey, you don’t listen to a song once and never again. Golden oldies (mouldy oldies?) are worth repeating.

So enjoy, dear readers, but a caution, there is risqué humour ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien man slaps himself on the forehead a few times and it grows longer! Then he asks her, "Is it wide enough?" and again she says. "I guess it could be just a bit wider." So he starts tugging at his own ears and it gets a bit wider.

An hour or so later the human couple get together to discuss. The man asks the woman, "So how was your experience with the alien man? Be honest!" She says "Honestly? No offense to you, but that was the single greatest sexual experience of my life. What about you and the alien woman?"

The man replies, "Don't get me wrong, it was good and all but she kept slapping me in the head and pulling at my ears really hard."

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A woman tries getting on a bus but as the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, but only to discover that she couldn't. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. After becoming quite frustrated and embarrassed, she once again attempted to unzip her skirt more in order to allow more legroom to get on the first step of the bus.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are".

The Texan smiled and drawled “Well ma'am, normally I'd agree with you but after you unzipped my fly 3 times I kinda figured we were friends"

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A man in his 50s visits the doctor.

"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"

"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have any idea what's happening out there?! Global warming is destroying the planet! Supervolcanoes are waking from dormancy! We're on the verge of World War III, and NOTHING CAN STOP IT!!"

Visibly shaken, the man looks down and realizes he's pissed his pants. Ashamed but relieved, he thanks the doctor profusely.

"No trouble at all," the doctor chuckles. "All you needed was a little dire rhetoric."

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How do you know aliens are not vegan?

Because they haven't contacted us to tell us.

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A man was speeding down an Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"

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#1:

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".

Surprised, the pope follows up with: "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"

The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalise. "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"

The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"

The alien says "Yeah, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"

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#2:

Two aliens in their flying saucer land near an abandoned gas station in the desert. They get out and walk up to one of the gas pumps. The captain alien points his ray gun at a gas pump and says, "Take me to your leader."

The gas pump says nothing.

The captain alien repeats, "Take me to your leader."

The gas pump says nothing.

The ensign alien says, "Hey, man. This seems like a bad idea. We should go."

The captain alien replies, "Shut up. I'm in charge here. Take me to your leader."

The gas pump says nothing.

The ensign alien repeats, "Dude, this is a really bad idea. These guys are bad news. We should go."

Again, the captain alien replies, "Shut up. What do you know? Last chance! Take me to your leader!"

The gas pump says nothing.

Finally, the captain alien says, "That's it!" and shoots the gas pump.

The entire station explodes, throwing the two aliens 50 yards away.

As they're picking themselves up out of the dirt, the captain alien says to the ensign, "How? How did you know those guys were bad news?"

The ensign alien replies, "I've been all over this galaxy and I've learned one fundamental truth: if you meet a creature who can wrap its dick around its waist and hang it in its ear, you leave it alone."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There once was a girl from Hoboken

Who claimed that her cherry was broken

From riding her bike

Down a cobblestone pike

But it really was broken from pokin’

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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I got food poisoning on a recent trip to the Philippines.

That’s the last time I eat salmon in Manila.

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I saw the doctor today...

I explained I had an unfortunate rash round my privates and, although embarrassed, I dropped my pants to show him. I asked if he could give me some cream for it. Guy completely blanked me. Walked off pushing his trolley and carried on round Walmart.

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Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"