FUNNY FRIDAY

Something different today folks, a lot of quick items and most with a dark bent.

Hopefully you will not be offended and will see the humour.

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Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot......

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them

Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

My girlfriend’s birthday is in a week and she said "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring!"

So I got her nothing

Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side...

I mean, imagine all the peepholes.

"Sir, we're mining too many useless mineral ores."

Hitler: "Mine less, then."

Grammar Nazi bursts in: "MINE FEWER."

Hitler looks over: "Yes?"

Old Macdonald...

...spelled "redirection" without any consonants.

Why are retired Nazis so good with animals?

They're veteran Aryans.

What has 2 wings and 1 arrow ?

A Chinese telephone

Wing Wing 

Arrow?

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $2,999,999.75.

I got fired on the first day of my new job for asking customers if they would prefer "Smoking or Non-Smoking."

Apparently, the correct phrase is, "Cremation or Burial."

I told a girl, "you look great without glasses"

She said, "but I don't wear glasses." I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do."

Grandpas last words before he kicked the bucket -

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...

You can hide, but you can't run.

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.

It's 14.

My girlfriend left me because I kept pretending to be a transformer

I said "No, wait! I can change!"

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion.

Did you hear about the midget that got pick pocketed?

I can't believe someone could stoop so low..

First rule of Vegan club:

You tell everyone about Vegan club.

My girlfriend said to me the other day, “If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn’t count as “anything”.

I just found out I'm being followed!

My girlfriend told me she's been seeing people behind my back.

I told myself I need to stop drinking so much

...But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo that talks to himself

"Indecisive" is my favourite word.

Actually, no it isn't.

A German arrives at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris

Customs officer: “Occupation?”.

German: “Nein, just visiting.”

My girlfriend left a note on the refrigerator that said "This isn't working. Goodbye."

I opened the refrigerator and it was working fine wtf

Was Barry White ? Was Cilla Black ? Was James Brown ?

It sure makes Stevie Wonder

A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer."

The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

A man just assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese

How dairy

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it.

My girlfriend says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right.

So I packed her bags and left.

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