Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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Some cloyhing jokes this week, rreaders, inclduing a few oldies but goodies.

Enjoy.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A psychic walks into a clothing store looking for a new shirt.

Employee: "How about this shirt?"

Psychic: "That shirt is too small."

Employee: "You didn't even try it on"

Psychic: "Because I am a medium"

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I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

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A Spanish speaking man walks into a clothing store looking to buy some socks

He found his way to the menswear department where a sales clerk offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

("I want socks")

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sales clerk.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

("No, I don't want suits. I want socks")

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the sales clerk.

"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

("No, I don't want shirts. I want socks")

"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the sales clerk, beginning to lose patience.

"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

("No, I don't want undershirts. I want socks")

As they passed a counter, the man spotted a display of socks and quickly grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"

("That's it" or "that's the one")

(Pronouced Ee Ess Oh Kay)

The sales clerk yelled back, 'why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!"

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After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping centre:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

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#1:

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a shabbily dressed homeless man, leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the shabbily dressed American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear... "I thought I told you yesterday to get the fuck out of here."

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#2:

The manager of a ladies' dress shop realised that it was time to give one of her sales staff a pep talk. "Paula," she said, "your figures are the lowest in the department by a long way. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid I'll have to let you go."

"I'm sorry, ma'am," said a humbled Paula. "Can you offer me any advice on how to do better?"

"Well," said the manager, "there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you find a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."

Sure enough, Paula's sales figures shot up, and at the end of the month the manager called her in again, this time to congratulate her.

"Did you try my little trick?" she asked.

Paula nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did in the end."

"And what is it?"

"Fantastic."

"Yes, that's an excellent word," said the manager encouragingly. "And how have you been using it?"

"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, "Fantastic." She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in class. I said, "Fantastic", and she bought $500 worth of clothing."

"My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was organizing. I said, "Fantastic." She went on to tell me she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and that her husband makes the most money. "Fantastic", I said, and she not only bought a $2,000 designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of accessories. It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying, "Fantastic", and they keep buying!"

"Excellent work, Paula," said the manager. "You're a credit to the department. Just as a matter of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"

Paula shrugged. "It was usually, 'Who cares?'"

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$3:

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought "That's what I need .. a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 42 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said "Let's see...34 sleeves and...16 and a half neck." Joe was suprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years" Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about some new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said "Let's see... 10-1/2...E." Joe said, astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head. "You can't wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

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