FUNNY FRIDAY

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One of our dogs, Kane, managed to get out of the yard, prompting Kate to have to get in the car and drive around looking for him. She found him about 2 kilometres up the road happily trotting to God knows where.  

That sets the theme for today, dogs, so you will find some dog humour ahead.

Enjoy the weekend readers.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burnt that they needed to call in people to identify the body. Bubba didn't have any family in the area so they called his two best friends, Jim-Bob and Ennis. The coroner called Jim-Bob in first and he began to examine the body.

"Yeah," he said "it sure looks like Bubba, but I ain't too sure, why dont'cha flip him on over."

The coroner is somewhat confused but he does as asked. Jim-Bob moves to the back of the body, spreads the butt-cheeks wide, and gives it a good long look. After a moment, Jim-Bob gets up and says, "nah, that ain't Bubba" and walks out of the room.

The coroner is again very confused but he calls in Ennis for a second opinion. Ennis looks at the body for a moment and then says,

"Yeah it sure does look like Bubba, but why dont'cha flip him on over"

Again the coroner is baffled but does as told. Ennis moves to the back of the corpse, spreads his butt-cheeks wide, and gives it a good long look. After a while Ennis gets up and says, "this ain't Bubba, can't be", and walks out of the room.

Well the coroner is simply baffled by what he had just seen so he calls the pair in again. "Alright," he says, "you two both came in here and did the weirdest shit I've ever seen in a body identification, what the hell were you two looking up his butt for?!" To which Jim-Bob replies, "Well hell doc, evr'body knows Bubba's got two assholes!"

"Yeah," pipes up Ennis, "whenever we'd go walking down the street, folks'd say 'There goes Bubba and them two assholes!'"

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This reminds me of the following, from the vault:

Plus another, same idea:

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A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favourite with humans. The dog says, “Humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us, the canine. Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”

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As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

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If your wife's mother just died how long should you console her for?

It's just that my chips are getting cold.

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I've decided to identify as half a giant

My pronouns are Fe / Fi

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A German tourist jumped in freezing water to save my little dog who was drowning.

When he climbed out and gave me my dog he said "Here is ze dog, keep him warm and dry him off, he vill be fine."

I said "Are you a vet?"

He replied “Vet?.. I am fucking soaking."

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Which leads into the following:

Off the German coast . . .

“Mayday Mayday! We are sinking! I repeat: we are sinking!!”

“Vaht ahr you sinking about?”

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An 88-year-old was being interviewed on the local news station after getting married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman said. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She told him she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster in her 40s, later on a preacher in her 60s, and now the funeral director.

The interviewer asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and said, “One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.”

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A guy wakes up in the morning in his bed with a severe hangover. Everything around him is clean, there is breakfast on the tray on the nightstand.

His kid walks in.

"What happened last night?"

"You came in super drunk. You puked and then fell on the glass coffee table and broke it. Mom came out and started cursing at you and yelling but you were just lying there. She wanted to pick you up, but then you yelled "Get away from me woman, I have a wife".

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There was a young monk from Siberia

Whose life got drearia' and drearia'

Till he did to a nun

What shouldn't be done

And made her a Mother Superia'.

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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Elon Musk and Bill Gates should make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction.

Name it ElonGates

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Patient: “Doc, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

Doctor: “Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”

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There I was driving me lorry through Piccadilly. Standing on the corner in front of me is a bloke with three eyes, only one leg and no arms at all. Amazing. He just stood there balancing on his one leg. Well, being the nice fellow I am, I figured I'd offer him a ride. I have no idea why he got so furious with me.

All I said was "Aye aye aye, you look 'armless, hop in.”

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I don't understand why dogs are called "Man's best friend."

Even my worst enemy wouldn't take a shit in my yard while staring me in the eye.

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The World Health Organisation has officially announced that dogs cannot get infected by the Coronavirus. Therefore, dogs can basically leave quarantine.

So, I guess you could say.... WHO let the dogs out.

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My neighbour has just walked past with two dogs.

I said, "I didn't know you had any dogs?"

She said, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters".

I said, "Your sisters are very ugly"

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My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex

They're his watch dogs

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