FUNNY FRIDAY

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Welcome to some humour to brighten your day, folks.

A varied selection but of course the big news is Donald Trump, so some ear humour as well today.

Enjoy.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Forrest Gump was a baby boomer, but what about his girlfriend?

She was Gen-A...

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A man goes to a friend's funeral.

The man's widow asks him to say a couple words.

He nods his head, steps up to the podium and says "Car Park."

The widow replies "That means a lot. Thank you."

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Doctor to Husband -

Doctor : Your wife is in hospital.

Husband: How is she ?

Doctor : She's critical !

Husband : Yeah you get used to that.

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An inventor was at the patent office, registering his new range of collapsible containers.

"The first thing I'd like to register is this folding bottle," he said.

"What's it called?" asked the clerk.

"A fottle. It's short for folding bottle."

"I see. Anything else?"

"Yes, I also have this folding carton, which I call a farton," replied the inventor.

"I'm not sure we can allow that. Some people might think it sounds a bit rude."

"Ah. Then you're going to hate the name of my folding bucket"

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#1:

The Lone Ranger is riding Silver across the plains when up ahead he sees Tonto's horse Scout, without Tonto aboard. He rides up to Scout and sees Tonto on all fours with his ear to the ground.

"Tonto, what are you doing?" the Ranger says.

"Mmmm..." replies Tonto. "Wagon, two people. Man, 25 moons old, woman 21 moons. Two children. Four horses...two white, one brown, one black."

"You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?" the Ranger exclaims, astonished.

"No," Tonto answers, "run over me, half hour ago...."

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#2:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the prairie. Tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground, looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Buffalo come."

The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure that out?"

Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Ear sticky!"

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From Bytes Nov 11, 2011:

Andreas Nikolaous “Niki” Lauda was born in 1949 in Austria and became a race driver against the wishes of his wealthy family. In 1975, driving for Ferrari, he won the World Championship. Lauda was well in the points score lead in 1976 when he crashed on the second lap in the German Grand Prix at the Nurburgring, an event he had sought to have boycotted by the other drivers because of inadequate safety arrangements. His car hit the embankment and rolled back onto the track, then was hit by another car. Lauda was trapped in his burning vehicle and suffered severe burns to his head. He also inhaled toxic gases that cauterised his lungs and damaged his blood and had various broken bones. Although the burns caused extensive scarring, he elected not to have cosmetic surgery, having only enough reconstructive work done to cause his eyelids to close properly. His courage and his scarring have become his most well known attributes. Lauda has lost most of his right ear and has extensive head scarring, resulting in his trademark wearing of a cap.

Niki Lauda in 1976, pre-crash

Niki Lauda today

#3:

A snake and a rabbit met each other in the dark.

“What do you look like?”, the snake asked.

“I've got long ears, two big hind legs and a fluffy tail.”

“Aha”, the snake said, “then you must be a rabbit.”

“Yes, I am. What do you look like?” the rabbit asked.

“I'm bald all over my body and I've got no ears” the snake said.

“Ah.” the rabbit said, “then you must be Niki Lauda.”

#4:

Prior to the 2006 German Grand Prix, Lauda, Bernie Ecclestone and others walked to the old Nurburgring and had a drink at the point where Lauda had crashed in 1976. Bernie had earlier planted a pig’s ear in the grass. When he was there with Niki Lauda, he picked up the object, held it up and said “Niki, I’ve found your ear.” It was reportedly taken in good humour by Lauda.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There was a young lass from Bryn Mawr

Who committed a dreadful faux pas;

She loosened a stay

On her decollete

Thus exposing her je ne sais quoi.

(je ne sais quoi: French for 'I don't know what', a pleasing quality that cannot be exactly named or described)

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GALLERY:

Thanks for these Leo:

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CORN CORNER:

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What do you call a bear missing an ear?

A b

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What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness?

Someone who's out knocking on doors for no apparent reason.

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A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

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Got my COVID test today. It said 50. What does that mean?

Also, my IQ test came back positive.

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They say that nothing lasts forever, but YouTube has just proven that to be incorrect.

Their bloody ads do.

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How many ears did Mr Spock have?

A left ear, a right ear and a final front ear.

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Where’d you get shot, Mr Trump?

Right ‘ere.

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A man goes to see his doctor because he has a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ear.

"Hmmm," the doctor says, "that's strange."

The guy replies, "I know. And that's just the tip of the iceberg."