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Enjoy.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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Why do rednecks love sandwiches?
Because they're inbred too.
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A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."
The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women."
The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."
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When my wife left, I felt a little sad in the beginning. Then I got a dog; bought a Harley; and asked out a pretty neighbour next door. My life was definitely looking better and brighter…
but now I’m thinking that I might be in trouble once my wife gets back home from work.
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In a first grade class in an elementary school on Long Island, the teacher asked everyone to raise their hand if they are a Mets fan. Everyone raised their hand except for Kathy.
The teacher asked Kathy “why didn’t you raise your hand?” Kathy responded “because I’m a Yankees fan.”
Pressing further, the teacher asked Kathy why she was a Yankees fan. Kathy says “well my mom is a Yankees fan, and my dad is a Yankees fan, so I’m a Yankees fan.”
The teacher then asks Kathy “well what if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, then what would you be?”
“A Mets fan.”
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My mate has 2 tickets for the England v Netherlands game tonight.
He paid £360 each, including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding.
If you're interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Guildford Registry Office, at 3pm. The bride's name is Sarah, she's 5'7" & quite attractive.
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A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.
After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.
"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"
The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the engine. 50% is for perfect reassembly of the engine. I gave you another 50% on top because you did it all through the exhaust pipe!"
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In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner - a surgeon - looked on.
Afterwards the mechanic said to the surgeon:
'You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours.'
'Perhaps,' said the surgeon, 'But I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running.'
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#1
Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on!’
She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems.
"Hmm", said Mike. He thought that might be good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Jane, "Here try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jane took off her panties, and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here, you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Jane said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."
#2
After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a empty beer can and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The guy said to the doctor, "I may not be a smart man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." He wanted a second opinion so he visited a doctor in Georgia.
That doctor began to speak of a vasectomy, but seeing his patient was from Alabama, he told him to go home and get a cherry bomb light it and put it in a empty beer can and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
Since the second doctor told him of the same procedure of the first doctor he decided that it MUST work. So the man went home, lit the cherry bomb and put it in the beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1,2,3,4,5" at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young girl from the Creek
Who had periods twice every week.
‘How very provoking,’
Said the vicar from Woking,
‘There’s no time for poking, so to speak.’
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GALLERY:
Contributed by John P, thanks John . . .
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CORN CORNER:
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My friend said his Bluetooth speaker wouldn't sync,
So I threw it in the pool.
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A hillbilly walks into a Walmart looking for a new blanket.
Store clerk: "How can I help you sir?"
Hillbilly: "I needs me a new blanket for ma bed cos all ma ova ones make me itch"
Store Clerk: "Duvet?"
Hillbilly: "Yah, vey sure do."
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My talking eagle contracted Bird Flu, and he just asked me to hide him from the authorities because he's worried that they'll euthanise him if they find out.
Pretty sure that's an ill eagle request.
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What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
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Do you know how we know the tooth brush was invented in Kentucky?
Because if it was invented anywhere else it would've been called a teeth brush.
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Did you hear about the cardiologist's TikTok channel?
It's totally clips of the heart.
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