FUNNY FRIDAY

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A mixed bag of humour in today's Funny Friday, folks, that hopefully will bring some warmth to the cold days and nights we are experiencing.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A man grew weary of dealing with the world so he created a clone of himself. But something went terribly wrong. The clone was crass, rude and extremely vulgar. He sent the clone of himself into the world anyway to do his work.

The clone return back to him in a few hours and the man was surprised; the clone should've been gone all day. He asked what happened? His clone told him that he didn't like his boss' attitude so he told his boss where he could put his job and told him what a blankety-blank bad manager he was. And so he was fired. On his way back, the clone stopped by to see the man's wife. The clone didn't like her either and told her so. He set terrible things to her and their blankety blank rotten marriage. The clone reported "She wants a divorce".

At first the man cried, realising the wreck his life suddenly was. Then he quickly grew angry at the clone for causing these troubles. He decided, no more! He grabbed the clone and immediately threw him out of the window of his high-rise apartment building. Down the clone fell,m to his death.

The man enjoyed the peace and quiet for a few minutes as he pondered how to pull his life back together. Then there was a knock on the door. He answered it to find the police who were anxious to arrest him. He explained, "No no, this is a mistake. I didn't murder anyone. That wasn't a real person at all." The police continued to arrest him.

"This has nothing to do with murder," they said. "Sir, we are arresting you for making an obscene clone fall."

(I’ll see myself out.)

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The old gunfighter is getting worried.

He feels that as he is getting older he is slowing down, and some of the youngsters are getting damn good. He decides he will consult a “gunfighter trainer” to help him improve his technique and show him the latest tricks.

He goes into the bar, and walks up to the gunfighter trainer at a table and tells him what the situation is. The trainer says “I think I can help you. Let me see your style.”

The gunfighter draws and shoots the piano player’s drink off the piano.

“Nice shot” says the trainer. “Why don’t you put your holster a little lower on your hip, and tie down the bottom with a rawhide thong?” The gunfighter does these things, and tries another draw. He shoots the piano player’s cigar out of his mouth.”

“Now here is what I think you should do next” says the trainer. “File the front sight off that revolver and rub axle grease all over it.”

“Will that get it out of the holster faster?” asks the gunfighter.

“Dunno” says the trainer, “but when Wyatt Earp over there finishes playing the piano he’s going to take that thing away from you and shove it up your arse.”

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A man is watching two council workers busy in a local park.

One digs a hole, moves a couple of metres and digs another hole, and so on. The other worker follows the first, immediately filling in all the holes the first worker has dug.

The man watching is furious, and approaches them saying, "I'm going to write to the council about this - digging holes and filling them in right away, it's a disgrace."

"Hang on," says one of the workers, "It's not our fault that Charlie's off sick."

"Who's Charlie?" asks the man.

"He's the guy who plants the trees."

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From Bytes May 22, 2015:

Cold Hard Fact

- Charlee Marshall

“Move closer to the wall, my son, and speak into the grille

Confession is the saviour of the soul

If there’s something on your conscience, if you’re feeling weak or ill

Confess... and ye shall once again be whole!

Ask the lord for his salvation, he is waiting for your call”

“I’m afraid I’ve sinned too greatly” said the voice behind the wall.

“Let’s see if I have got it straight - your wife... her name is Liza

She’s inclined to wear her dresses rather short

She was bending over looking for an ice cream in the freezer

When you, behind her, had this lustful thought

She had to lean way over, for she isn’t very tall...”

“And I wanted chocolate brickle” said the voice behind the wall.

“Now, I know you’re newly-married (since you made your vows before us)

But married people often act up thus

It sometimes spoils the pleasure if the sex is too decorous

So I see no reason why to make a fuss

Perhaps your wife objected... did she try to start a brawl?”

“No... I think she rather liked it” said the voice behind the wall.

“Then go, my son, I find no blame... your actions may be kinky

Tell Liza to be careful with her dress

Next time she looks for ice cream to wear something long and slinky

Then her husband will have nothing to confess

We will not throw you out of church... I find no sin at all...”

“Well they threw us out of Woolworths!” said the voice behind the wall.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

When Carol was told about sex

She said ‘Mother, it sounds so complex.

Do you mean you and father

Went through all that bother

And I’m just the after-effects?’

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

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My grief counsellor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

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A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you for anything, can I!”

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The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

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A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

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The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

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