Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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Welcome to another Funny Friday Byters and readers.

A few days ago I posted some items about Willie Nelson, with a couple of jokes included. Today’s Funny Friday throws in some more Willie Nelson humour.

Enjoy, but a warning that risqué content is included.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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What has 99 legs and eight teeth?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

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What gets higher with age?

Willie Nelson

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WARNING: If you get an email with the subject 'Enlarge your snake' DO NOT order the pills.

THEY DO NOT WORK! It is a scam. My snake went really stiff and then died, no larger than it ever was.

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This poem is actually by Willie Nelson:

The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal, is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord, from my trousers it would spring.

But now I’ve got a fulltime job, to find the gosh darn thing.

It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.

For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its little head, and watch me tie my shoes!!

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Some low-level mafia thugs are playing cards...

One of them says, "Where's Joey? He never misses poker night."

His friend says, "Oh, didn't you hear? Joey's dead."

"Awww, that's a shame. How did he die?"

"Well, he went to the doctor last week and found out he had gonorrhea."

"So? Gonorrhoea isn't fatal."

"It is if you give it to the boss's wife."

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A woman walks into a tattoo shop and asks the tattoist if he could do a portrait tattoo of Elvis Presley on her inner thigh. He says of course and they negotiate a price, $500, and he gets to work.

After a few hours the artist says it’s done. The woman looks at the tattoo is was not satisfied. “That’s an excellent looking tattoo of somebody, but that is not Elvis Presley. I wanted a tattoo of Elvis.”

The tattoo artist can see the disappointment on the customer’s face and says he will do another tattoo on other thigh, no extra charge. This time they pick another picture off the internet of Elvis, the artist sketches it on, she approves and he begins to tattoo.

Again, after a few hours the artist announces he is done. The woman excitedly looks at the result and again is instantly disappointed. “It’s an excellent portrait, but it doesn’t look like Elvis.” The tattoo artist is a little annoyed at this point. “Lady, both those tattoos are perfectly recognisable as portraits of Elvis. I am positive anyone looking at these tattoos will know instantly they are of Elvis Presley, The King of Rock in Roll, no question about it.”

“I don’t think so” she says “I don’t think I should have to pay for these tattoos”.

Exasperated, but confident in his work, the tattoo artist suggests “Let’s go to the bar next door and ask the first person we see their opinion. If they don’t instantly recognise Elvis, no charge.” The customer agrees and they both walk next door.

The first person they see is an old man sitting at the bar. The old man is clearly a little drunk, but the tattoo artist explained to him they were in need of his opinion. All he had to do was look at the tattoos on the woman’s thigh and identify the individual in the tattoos. “Ok” says the old man.

The customer pulls up her skirt and the old man begins to examines both tattoos very carefully. Suddenly the old man’s face glimmers with recognition and he proclaims “Well, I’m not sure who those two fellas on the side are, but that’s definitely Willie Nelson in the middle.”

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An alternative version is set in England where a woman wants a tatt of Prince William on one inner thigh and Prince Harry on the other. When the woman complains that the tatts don’t look anything like the two princes, they agree to invite a street passerby to see if he recognises the persons in the tattoos. He doesn’t recognise either but says that the one in the middle is definitely Boris Johnson.

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