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Enjoy.
Risque language nd content ahead.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realisation of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
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Many people told Beethoven that he would never be a musician because he was deaf, but
Did he listen?
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Weather didn’t look great so I asked Siri: “Siri, surely it isn’t going to rain today?”
Siri replied “It is and don’t call me Shirley.”
I realised I had left my phone in airplane mode.
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Santa's eight reindeer were competing to see who could throw the best Christmas party. The reindeer decided to throw one party a day for eight days, starting with the Dasher party on day one...
Things took an unfortune turn on day seven when a storm snowed them in at the Donner party.
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For those who don’t know their American history and didn’t get the above, this is from Wikipedia:
The Donner Party were a group of American pioneers who migrated to California in a wagon train from the Midwest. Delayed by a multitude of mishaps, they spent the winter of 1846–1847 snowbound in the Sierra Nevada mountain range. Some of the migrants resorted to cannibalism to survive, mainly eating the bodies of those who had succumbed to starvation, sickness or extreme cold, but in one case two Native American guides were deliberately murdered for this purpose.
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What’s the difference between Wuhan and Vegas ?
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas !
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A girl asked me if I liked breasts or thighs.
I said I preferred butts and feet.
I’m not allowed in KFC anymore.
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A guy and a parrot sit down on an airplane.
The guy finds it weird, but if people can bring dogs, you can also bring parrots, he thinks.
Moments later, comes the flight attendant: “Good evening can I serve you anything?”
The parrot says: “Bring a nice cold beer you whore!”
The attendant is startled by it, but well, the client is always right. She then comes back with beer.
The parrot chugs it and say again: “Now I’m in the mood for some wine, bring me a red wine you bitch!”
The man seeing the opportunity says: “Can you bring me a glass of water please? Thank you.”
The attendant grabs the wine but forgets the glass of water, she comes back and the parrot says: “Goddammit you piece of shit, I've told you already I don’t like dry wine, bring me a sweet one.”
And the guy says: “And bring my water please. Just a small glass, pretty please.”
Then she goes back to the bar grabs the wine, but forgets the water again, as she walks back, the guy, annoyed, tries to use the parrot tactic and says: “Jesus fucking Christ you stupid bitch, I've told you two times already to bring me my water!”
The attendant is done with it: “That’s it! I won’t tolerate this treatment any more!”
She then goes to the pilot and tells him about the parrot and the man, the pilot goes to the both of them and says: “You two are cursing everybody in this airplane? That’s it, you’re out.”
He then grabs both, open the door and kicks them out of the airplane.
As both of them are falling the parrot says: “Damn bro, for someone that doesn’t have wings you're really fucking brave!”
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
When Lazarus came back from the dead
He still couldn’t function in bed.
‘What good’s Resurrection
Without an erection?’
Old Lazarus testily said.
Bonus item:
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GALLERY:
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Sent to me by David G:
Thanks David.
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That was so bad, Dave, that it deserves more bad crow jokes . . .
(The botox removed the crows feet)
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CORN CORNER:
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What city is located right in the middle of Czechoslovakia?
Oslo.
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Why did Beethoven go to the carriage dealership?
For a lease
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I hate people who pretend they're cultured when they talk about Mozart.
I bet they haven't seen any of his paintings.
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A pun walked into a bar and ten people died.
Pun in, ten dead.
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Alternative version, from the vault:
My local newspaper had a pun contest, and I entered ten of my finest puns. I was sure that one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.
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