Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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It’s been quite cold here in Sydney so what better theme for this Funny Friday to bring some warmth and enjoyment,

Enjoy.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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A stockbroker walks past a girl selling lemonade

“Hey mister, ya want some lemonade?

He looks over at the sign that says BROWNIES ¢10 LEMONADE $20

“Hey kid, your sign is wrong. I think you mean twenty cents.”

The little girl shakes her head. “Nope, twenty bucks mister. You want some?”

“Look sweetie, you’re too young to understand economics but you can only change what someone is willing to pay. It doesn’t cost you much to make it, so if you charge a lower price you’ll make more profit.”

The little girl thinks for a moment. “Hmm…nope! Twenty bucks mister!”

The stockbroker gives a little sigh and shakes his head. “Okay look… I studied economics at Harvard and I got my MBA from Wharton so I’m going to teach you a little about business, okay? You’re losing money on the brownies but you’re not making any profit because nobody wants to pay that much for a lemonade when they can get it cheaper a few blocks away. Understand?”

“Nope! Twenty bucks mister!”

“You know what? I give up, guess this is the only way you’ll learn. Here’s a dime for a brownie, I bet it cost you more than that.”

“Okay!” The girl takes the dime and the stockbroker decides to eat the brownie right in front of her to make the point.

Suddenly he begins coughing and gagging uncontrollably. “Oh my God…what is…this tastes like sawdust and dog shit! Get this taste out of my mouth!”

The little girl cocks her head to the side and says through a beaming grin, “Ya want some lemonade?”

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Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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A man woke up early and kissed his wife good morning and goodbye. He made a thermos of coffee and a thermos of hot soup as his car warmed up in the driveway. He packed his fishing gear and proceeded to drive out to the lake for some ice fishing.

As he drove down the road he realized that his visibility was horrible. It was too dangerous so he turned around and went back home.

Quietly he re-entered his house. He crept up the stairs and stripped down to his long johns. He slipped into bed and nestled beside his sleeping wife.

Sleepily she said, “I didn’t expect you so soon.”

He whispered in her ear, “It’s a frigging blizzard out there. It’s a mess.”

His wife whispered back, “Yeah, can you believe my idiot husband is out there fishing right now?”

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From Bytes May 17, 2011:

The following story is often prefaced by a statement that it is an actual exam answer. In reality it is based on a tongue in cheek work by scientist Paul Darwin Foote in 1920. The sexual references at the end were added in later years by others. See http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/hell.asp

BONUS QUESTION: IS HELL EXOTHERMIC (GIVES OFF HEAT) OR ENDOTHERMIC (ABSORBS HEAT)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed), or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul goes to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

(The place in the first line of the following limerick is pronounced Tottnum in best English, but for the purpose of this limerick it can be pronounced Tottenum)

There was a young lady from Tottenham,

Her manners - she'd simply forgotten 'em.

During tea at the vicar's

She ripped off her knickers

Because she was feeling too hot in 'em.

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GALLERY: