FUNNY FRIDAY

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Helllo again.

The Federal Budget having been handed down a few days ago by the Treasurer Jim Chalmers it seems appropriate that today’s Funny Friday theme is money.

Enjoy. . .

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

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A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

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A man wanted to literally die with his money so he trusted a third of his money to a priest, a third to a doctor, and a third to his lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funeral the lawyer asked what the priest whispered. The priest — with tears in his eyes — said that he had to confess he spent some of the money on an orphanage so that some hungry kids would not starve and that he feels bad for what he had done, but that he had no choice.

The doctor then admits that he too had to let him know that one of his patients needed a surgery that he alone could not do, that he spent some of the money to save the person’s life.

The lawyer looks at them with scorn and says, “How could you? You have betrayed a man’s last and dying request!” The doctor and priest look at the lawyer and asks, “So your bag had all the money he entrusted you with?” To which he replies, “Damn right, I wrote the cheque for the full amount, not a penny less!”

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I asked God for money.

I later found out that God doesn't work that way.

So I robbed a bank, then asked for forgiveness.

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When I was a boy my dad gave my money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass but the next morning in the driveway sat a new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from electric company there to turn the lights off.

....Dad beat my ass again ....

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A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”

Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

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A lawyer was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul and the souls of your wife and your children.”

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There once was a farmer from Leeds

Who swallowed a packet of seeds.

It soon came to pass

He was covered with grass

But has all the tomatoes he needs!

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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What’s the favourite band at the Alzheimer’s home?

The Who?

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My father told me “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

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What is a profession that begins with “P”, is often criticised, and is known for screwing people and taking their money?

Politician.

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I’m a good man, I give 50% of my money to Charity.

Except when she’s not working I give it to Destiny .