FUNNY FRIDAY

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Byters and readers:

Willkommen. Bienvenido. Bienvenue. Benvenuto. Hela.

Or, in more common parlance, welcome.

In even more common parlance, g’day, how are ya?

It’s time for another Funny Friday, people, and today’s theme is ‘food’, for an obvious reason.  There is more than a smattering of Jewish humour, I love it.

Some risque content included.

Enjoy.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

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An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

An African student: What's food?

A European student: What's scarcity?

An American student: What are 'other countries'?

A Chinese student: What's 'my own opinion'?

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Mende isl eating at Minky’s Diner, where he orders his favorite matzah ball chicken soup from Steve, his regular waiter. As Steve is walking away, Mendel calls him back.

“Please taste this soup,” Mendel says.

“Why?” asks Steve. “What’s the matter? It’s the same soup as you always have.”

“Please taste the soup,” Mendel repeats.

“But there’s nothing wrong with your soup,” says Steve.

“For the third time, Steve, I ask you to please taste the soup,” says Mendel.

“All right then, if you insist,” says Steve, looking around the table. “But where’s the spoon?”

“Ah hah!” exclaims Mendel.

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The afternoon was drawing to a close, and the guests were getting ready to leave.

"Mrs. Goldberg," said one of the ladies. "I just wanted to tell you that your cookies were so delicious I ate four of them."

"You ate five," responded Mrs. Goldberg. "But who's counting?"

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A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

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Menachem is talking to his psychiatrist. “I had a weird dream recently,” he says. “ I saw my mother, but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn’t get back to sleep. I lay there thinking about it until it was time to get up and have breakfast. So I made myself some coffee and a slice of toast, and came straight here. Can you help me explain the meaning of my dream?” The psychiatrist keeps silent for some time, then says: “One slice of toast and coffee. You call that breakfast?”

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It was Passover and two Jewish attorneys, Saul and David, who worked downtown met at a food court to have lunch. Saul and David proceeded to produce matzah sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

One of the waiters in the food court marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

Saul and David looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged matzah sandwiches.

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A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating his matzah, complete with perforations and all.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighbourly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzah to the blind man.

The blind man handled the matzah for a few minutes, concentrating intently, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this? It's genius! "

__________

I stood in line at a Vietnamese food truck for an hour.

When I finally got to the window, they were sold out and closing for the day.

What a big Pho queue.

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A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's twitchin’ a little."

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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?"

He said, "Yes, I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this stuff but me."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

Winkleigh is a small village in Devon, England. In 2011 the historic farming village topped a list of 2,400 postcodes in England and Wales ranked according to their suitability for family living.

A wanton young lady from Winkleigh

Reproached for not acting quite primly

Said, "Heavens above!

I know sex isn't love,

But it's such an entrancing facsimile."

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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I accidentally ate my cat's food last night

Don't ask meow

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I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mould/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some foods easily being shipped to places they previously wouldn’t have survived due to long journeys, and families could store food to eat when it wasn’t available fresh.

However, reports of illness around certain foods started to become prevalent. Pickles foods would frequently “go bad” much sooner than other canned foods, and even though the food tasted the same, people would report illness very soon after eating older pickled products. After years of analysing (crudely) samples of purportedly problematic pickles, scientists finally concluded the preserved foods themselves were fine—it was the cans that were the problem!

They discovered certain food solutions—like pickle brine—could “leach” harmful chemicals from tin, much faster than non-brined foods. As an experiment, they started un-canning recently preserved pickles and putting pickled food in glass containers instead of tin. Jarred pickles tasted exactly the same and were preserved just as well as their canned counterparts, but nobody got sick!

In the end, the conclusion was uncanny and jarring.

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My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with food.

I wasn’t really listening, but she said something about not making enough thyme for her.

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They say never go food shopping when you're hungry but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

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My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own faeces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

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A woman who lost four husbands through the years was married first to a banker, then an actor, then a preacher and finally an undertaker.

When asked about the unusual variance in her spousal occupations she replied "one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."

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