FUNNY FRIDAY

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Time for anoither Friday with some funnies.

Enjoy.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Met this girl online yesterday. She's so into me. She wants to know the name of my first pet, my mom's maiden name, and where I was born.

It's called a conversation. Ladies, take note.

Reader comments:

LMAO. She wants to learn his passwords.

Dear Seller

A month ago I ordered and paid for a book "How to scam people online"

Tell me please, when will I receive it? Or can I have a refund.

Thanks

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My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans.

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but...look at what kids your age make in China!"

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A teacher explained biology to her 3rd-grade students. She said, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raised her hand saying, "I had a kitty-cat that stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well,'' she began, "I was in the backyard with my kitty when the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary."

The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

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Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin trained in a desert location in the United States for their moon landing.

They met an old Indian. He asked them what they were doing. They told him they were going to the moon. The old Indian said that there were spirits on the moon and he wanted them to give them a message.

He drilled them in how to give the message in his native tongue but would not tell them what it meant. When they got back to their base they managed to find an Indian who laughed when they related the message to him. It was: "Don't believe a single word these people are telling you, they have come to steal your lands."

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Same theme:

A native American:

When the Missionaries arrived, we had the land and the Missionaries had the Bible. They taught us how to pray with our eyes closed. When we opened them, they had the land and we had the Bible.

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There is a factory in Northern Ireland which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

One Saturday morning at three,

A cheesemonger’s shop in Paree,

Collapsed to the ground,

With a thunderous sound,

Leaving only a pile of de brie.

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GALLERY:

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RELIGION SPOT

A guy walks into a bar, completely drunk.

He calls for everyone’s attention and yells “Make way, everybody, ’cause God Himself is here”, pointing at himself.

Everyone is either embarrassed or nervously laughing. The barman rolls his eyes and goes to the proud drunkard, and asks him “What makes you think you’re Him?”

“Follow me,” the drunkard said.

The barman follows the drunkard for a while, until both arrive at a church, during a mass. The drunkard yells from the entrance “Hey there, priest, remember me?”

The priest interrupts the mass and groans “Oh, my God, you’re here again?!”

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CORN CORNER:

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I told my boss I needed a pay rise as 3 other companies were after me… He asked which ones? I said "gas, water & electricity"

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What’s the difference between Wuhan and Vegas?

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

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The punchline arrives before the setup.

What's the worst part about telling time travel jokes?

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There was a big chess tournament at a hotel with a big atrium . Many of the players were gathered in the atrium before the matches began. There was a lot of trash talking among the players, each trying to top the other with their accomplishments within the game and chess acumen. It was a clear case of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

I’ll see myself out.