Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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Following on from yesterday’s Quote of the Day from Justice Lee - “Having escaped the lions’ den, Mr. Lehrmann made the mistake of going back for his hat.” – today’s theme is hats.

Enjoy, Byters.

As usual, a caution that there is risqué and non-PC content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son…”

"Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

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A non-hat item sent to me by Steve:

A guy is feeling terrible and goes to the doctor.

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320

Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.

'Fuck me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!...

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Little Johnny missed school one day

The next day teacher asked where he was, and he replied: "I had to take the cow to be inseminated by a bull."

The teacher asked, "Couldn't your daddy have done that?"

To which Johnny replies, "Maybe, but the bull does it better."

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After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited the two of us for a party.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

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Little Johnny was in class at school when his teacher asked 'Jane. What did you do last weekend?

'I went for a ride on a choo choo train.' Jane replied proudly.

'That's fantastic!' replied the teacher, 'but you need to use grown up words. Next time just say train, not choo choo train. Tim, what did you do last weekend?'

Tim thought for a second and said 'I went to granny and grampys house.'

'Oh, that's lovely' replied teacher, 'but remember to use grown up words. Grandma and grandpa. Johnny, what did you do last weekend? And remember to use grown up words.'

Johnny though for a few seconds and said 'I read a book'

'Oh very good. What was the name of the book?'

'Whinny The Shit.'

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#1:

On a windy day, a man sees an elderly rabbi get his hat blown off...

The man chases after the hat and manages to retrieve it. The rabbi is very grateful, and he hands him a $20 bill and says "God bless you, young man!"

Later, the man goes to the racetrack, and he sees that one of the horses in the first race is named "Top Hat." He thinks to himself "This must be a sign! The rabbi gave me a blessing!" So he bets $20 on Top Hat, and the horse comes in first place.

On the next race, he bets $100 on a horse named Stetson, and the odds are even longer, but it comes in first as well. Now he's really sure of himself, and on the next race, he bets all his winnings on a horse named Chateau, at 100-1 odds. But to his shock, the horse comes in dead last.

Dejected, the man goes home to his wife and explains what happened.

"You idiot!" says his wife. "Chateau is a house, chapeau is a hat! We could have been rich!"

"It wouldn't have mattered," says the man. "The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke."

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#2:

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From Bytes, May 5, 2017:

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A few weeks ago I posted a joke recounted to me by trivia competitor and friend, John. It concerned a Jewish man buying alligator shoes. After I posted that joke John took me to task for not having told it properly, stopping just short of saying I had ruined it. He therefore sent me an email with his version.

Here are the two versions:

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As I posted it –

Moshe had always wanted a pair of alligator shoes but had never been able to afford them. One day he sees a pair in the Selfridges Sale priced at only £39.99. He couldn’t believe it. They even had his size. So he buys them and proudly wears them to go home.

When he gets home, he stands in front of his wife and says, "Sadie, do you notice anything different about me?"

She looks him up and down and says, "Moshe, you look the same to me. You’re wearing the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same trousers. So you tell me, what’s different?"

But Moshe won’t give up easily. He goes into the bedroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, other than his new shoes.

Once again he stands in front of Sadie and says, "Sadie, now do you notice anything different about me?"

Once again she looks him up and down, then says, "Moshe, it looks the same to me. It's hanging down just as it was hanging down yesterday. No doubt it will be still hanging down tomorrow."

Angrily, Moshe says, "Do you know why it’s hanging down, Sadie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking directly at my new shoes!"

Sadie replies, "You should have bought a hat!"

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As John sent it to me:

Hymie, a little old Jewish tailor, who has bought himself and his wife nothing in all their years together, is walking home from work when he passes a shoe shop.

There in the middle of the window is a pair of alligator skin shoes.

Hymie is smitten.

“I must have these shoes,” he says as he walks excitedly into the shop.

He tries the shoes on. They are a perfect fit.

The shop assistant offers to wrap them.

“No,” says Hymie. “I’m going to vear them home.”

On his way home, he calls out to passers-by: “Hey, lady! Look at my new shoes!” “Hey, mister! Look at my new shoes!”

He arrives home, still buoyed by the excitement of having his alligator skin shoes.

“Rachel,” he calls to his wife.

“Vot is it?” she says.

Hymie motions to her to look at him. He asks: “Vot do you see vot’s different?”

Rachel looks dismissively: “Vot do I see vot’s different? The same old balding head, the same old ugly face, the same old pot belly. Vot’s different?”

Hymie leaves the room, then returns completely naked – apart from the new shoes.

“Now, vot do you see vot’s different?” he says.

“Vot do I see vot’s different?” says Rachel. “The same old balding head, the same old ugly face, the same old pot belly, the same old limp thing hanging down.”

“Vot do you mean ‘hanging down’,” says Hymie. “It’s pointing at my new shoes.”

“Next time,” says Rachel. “Buy a new hat!”

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