Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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Hello Byters.

I you're wondring why I post Funny Friday on Thursday:

a. Subscribers get it in their emails on Friday.

b. If I were to post on Friday, it has to be affter midnight and before about 9.00am for it to go out by email that day.

A mixed collection of humour today, people.

Enjoy.

As always, a caution that there is some risque content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!

Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to the pan! Careful!

Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, don't forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!"

The wife stares at her husband:

"What's wrong with you? You think I can't fry a few eggs?"

The husband answers calmly:

"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was and I said, “Fried Chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny but she couldn’t have been right because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal.

I told my dad what happened and he said that she was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do too, especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened and he laughed to. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class the teacher asked me what my favourite LIVE animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today she asked me what famous military person I admired the most and I said, “Colonel Saunders”.

Guess where I am right now….

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An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

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One day in Czarist Russia, a poor old man and his very young daughter were on their way to town. They put all of their possessions in the back of a donkey driven wagon in hopes of selling some of them to make money. As they were travelling, up the road they saw a small group of Cossaks. They braced themselves expecting the worst. Inevitably, the Cossaks ride up to the wagon and begin harassing the old man his daughter. Eventually, the Cossacks knock the old man and his daughter off the cart and ride off with the donkey and wagon.

The old man sits on the side of the road and begins sobbing...

Daughter asks, "Papa, papa, what's the matter?"

To which the old man responds,"Don't you see? They've taken everything we had!"

"Not everything...", The daughter responds, to which she takes out a small rolled up cloth, which she unrolls to reveal some jewellry and gems.

The old man's eyes widen, "How did you manage to hide that?"

She answered, "When I saw them further up the road, I took them, rolled them up in this cloth and hid them in my private place."

To which the old man starts sobbing again...

"Papa, what's wrong now?"

"Oh, if only your sainted mother were still alive...we could have saved the whole wagon!"

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Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought "That's what I need .. a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 42 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said "Let's see...34 sleeves and...16 and a half neck." Joe was suprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years" Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about some new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said "Let's see... 10-1/2...E." Joe said, astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head. "You can't wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

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A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married.

After the wedding and reception, the couple go to a hotel to check in.

The lady behind the desk asks ‘Would you like the bridal suite?'

'No thanks,’ says the jockey ‘I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'

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