FUNNY FRIDAY

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Hello again Byters and readers.

Time for another Funny Friday, this time with some Putin humour.

Enjoy.

Caution: some risqué content included.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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I am not passive-aggressive.

Unlike SOME PEOPLE.

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Vladimir Putin is riding around in his chauffeured Mercedes in Donbas when a pig suddenly bursts out of the underbrush, runs in front of the car, and is immediately killed. Putin spots a farmhouse in the distance and tells his driver to go there and tell the people there what happened. The car drives up to the house, the driver knocks on the door and goes inside, while Putin waits in the car.

A variety of loud noises come from the house, and an hour later, the driver comes out, thoroughly drunk and carrying a basket filled with vodka, cognac and a variety of Ukrainian delicacies. Putin looks at the driver, stunned, before he asks.

"What did you tell them?!"

"The truth, sir! 'I am Vladimir Putin's driver and I just killed the pig!'"

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On the same theme . . .

Putin is riding in the back seat of a limo. He kept telling the driver to go faster, which the driver reluctantly did, but only by small increases because the Russian police are zealous and under instructions t ticket anyone caught speeding.

Finally, exasperated, Putin tells the driver to get in the back and he will himself drive. When done, he roars off with squealing tyres.

Not long after, the car is motioned to pull over by two Russian police on motorcycles.

One goes up the car and motions for the driver to lower his tinted window.

The police officer leaves and goes back to his comrade, ashen faced and clearly shaken.

The other officer says “Nikolai, you did not give him a ticket.”

The first officer replies “Dimitri, I don’t know who was in the back, but Putin is his driver.”

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A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia.

The librarian whispers, "They're right behind you!"

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Ginzberg is 84 and he marries a much, much younger woman. Soon, they’re having some problems—the young woman is just not being satisfied. So they decide to go see the rabbi for advice. The rabbi hears the problem, strokes his beard thoughtfully, and says to Ginzberg, “Let’s try something they say in the Talmud. Go find a nice, handsome young man. Have him come in while you’re making love and wave a towel while you’re performing.”

So Ginzberg and his wife find a handsome young man, and they bring him into the bedroom with them. Ginzberg starts shtupping his wife, and the young man waves a towel. They try this a couple of times, but it still doesn’t work. Nothing. The wife just isn’t satisfied. So they go see the rabbi again, tell him what happened. The rabbi says, “Okay. Jewish tradition says we do anything to satisfy our wives. Go back and try again, but this time reverse roles. Murray, you wave the towel. The good-looking young man, he gets into bed with your wife. Let’s see what that does.”

They go home, go back to the bedroom. Ginzberg picks up the towel, the handsome young man gets into bed with the wife, and they start having wild, passionate sex. The wife starts screaming, going absolutely crazy, has an incredible seven-minute orgasm. When it’s over, Ginzberg grabs the young man’s arm and says, “You putz—that’s how you wave a towel!”

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

A certain young gourmet of Crediton

Took some pate de foie gras and spread it on

A chocolate biscuit

Then murmured, “I’ll risk it.”

His tomb bears the date that he said it on.

(Crediton is a town in England near Devon).

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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I just realised my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well. Hindsight is 1.

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What has 3 heads, 2 arms, 8 legs and a pair of wings?

A man sitting on a horse holding a chicken.

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My wife left me yesterday because she said sports were more important to me than our marriage. I don't know what the hell she's talking about...

... we've been together for more than six seasons.

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My wife said she was going to leave me because of my obsession with gambling.

But I’m calling her bluff.