Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

I recently watched again the film Australia with Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman. Hugh Jackman’s character in the film is called ’Drover’, which for the benefit of overseas readers, in Oz means an experienced stockman who moves livestock, usually sheep, cattle, and horses "on the hoof" over long distances.

So today’s theme is drovers, which includes items posted in Byes in the past.

As always, enjoy readers.

Caution: risqué content ahead.

---- 😊😊😊 -----

SOME HUMOUR:

__________

A drover walks into a pub and orders 3 beers. He drinks a sip of each in turn. When he finish he orders 3 more.

The bartender says,”You know, a beer goes flat after I pour it. They taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cattleman replies, “Well, you see, I’ve 2 brothers overseas. When we left home, we promised we’ll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I brink one beer for each brother and for myself.”

The drover became a regular at the pub, always ordering 3 beers. One day he comes in and orders 2. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

The bartender finally says, “I don’t want to intrude, but condolences for your loss.”

The drover looked puzzled, then a light dawns in his eyes.

“Oh, no, everyone’s just fine,” he laughs. “It’s just my wife and I joined the Salvation Army and I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

__________

A drover from a huge cattle station in the outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates asking to be let in.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.

"On a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, there was this gang of bikies threatening some young sheila. I told ‘em to leave ‘er alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I went up to the biggest bloke, tattoos everywhere, and smacked ‘im in the face, kicked ‘is bike over, ripped out ‘is nose-ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of the lot of ya!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Oh, ‘bout a couple o’ minutes ago."

__________

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

__________

Col and Frank were drovers who had come to town for a beer. At the bar, Col got into conversation with another man and said “So what do you do for a living?” The man replied “I’m a taxidermist. I stuff animals.”

“Do you stuff sheep?” Col asked.

“Yes.”

“Do you stuff kangaroos?”

“All the time.”

“What about dogs?”

“Yes, often.”

Later, Frank asked Col “What is he then?”

Col replied “He says he’s a taxi bloke but I reckon he’s a drover like us.”

__________

Two drovers are out in the back of beyond (the outback, aka the never never) having an argument about who has the smarter dog.

Drover One: "I can prove it, Red fetch us a feed!"

A couple of hours go by without old Red coming back, and Drover One wears it solid but Red finally crawls back with a bunch of bananas looking much the worse for wear.

Drover Two: "Not too shabby but watch this, Blue fetch us a feed!".

Blue takes off at a rate of knots, comes back with a stick.

Drover One pisses himself laughing but Blue carries on disappearing, coming back with sticks and Drover Two just smiles.

This carries on for half an hour, before Blue comes back with a billy full of water and takes off again.

Drover One is looking a little less smug but still laughing.

Blue comes back with two eggs, drops them into the billy, lights the fire, swings the billy, times the eggs to perfection, puts out the fire, tips the hot water out and sticks his bum in the air.

Drover One: "Well f@#k me, you do have the smarter dog but why has he buried his face in the sand with his arse waving in the breeze?

Drover Two: "He knows I don't have an egg cup!"

__________

Two drovers walk into a bar and sit down for a drink.

A woman sitting next to them drinking her martini starts choking on her olive.

One drover says to the other drover, "I'm going to help that there woman." He looks at her and says, "Are you choking?" And she nods yes. "Do you want me to help you?" Again she nods yes.

With that, the drover lifts up her dress, pulls down her panties, and licks her bare butt. She gets so flustered she spits out the olive and he saves her life.

As the drover sits down next to his friend he says, "That there hind lick manoeuvre works every time."

__________

Two Aussie cattle drovers are standing in an outback bar.

One asked, "What are you up to, mate?"

The other replied, "Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, probably the missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

---- 😊😊😊 -----