FUNNY FRIDAY

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Friend Steve M sent me the below items, thanks Steve.

Also, because I had a hospital attendance today as part of my ongoing treatment, I have also added some hospital humour.

Enjoy, readers.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Steve’s contributions:

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing the teacher give a strong preaching on the devil when one boy said to the other:

'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'

The other boy replied:

'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out…..it's probably just your Dad!'

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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''

'Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her

life' the mother replied.

The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'

The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

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An elderly woman died last month.

Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

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A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'

He answered, 'Call for backup.'

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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus who was 12 years old, with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy father and thy mother,' she asked,

'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill..'

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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said,

'Johnny, what is the matter with you?'

Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

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I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office

“Can I help you?” He asked.

“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.

“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”

“The light was on.”

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My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.

The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.”

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A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!”

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

Whenever he got in a fury, a

Schizophrenic from Upper Manchuria

Had pseudocyesis,

Dysdiadochokinesia

And haemotoporphyrimuria.

pseudocyesis: technical term for phantom pregnancy

dysdiadochokinesia: medical term used to describe difficulty performing quick and alternating movements, usually by opposing muscle groups

haemotoporphyrimuria : the porphyrias are a family of metabolic disorders caused by defects in the activity of one of the enzymes in the heme biosynthetic pathway. Haemo refers to blodd.

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

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A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

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At New York's Kennedy airport this week, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

The man is believed to be a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He has been charged with carrying weapons of math instruction..

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My girlfriend has left me a note:

"I'm leaving you because you're so stupid and bigoted."

Well I'm not stupid, I'm just dyslexic. And I can't help it if I have big toes.

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