FUNNY FRIDAY

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Apologies for missing emails, readers, unfortunately due to circumstances beyond my control.

Today’s theme is divorce, let’s see if we can milk some humour out of it…

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SOME HUMOUR:

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An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.

She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?” The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

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What do they say at the divorced people’s bar?

You don’t have to stay here, but you can’t go home.

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“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”

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A young woman is divorced after only a few years of marriage, and it is not long before her friends begin to ask her if she is thinking of marrying again. ‘Right now, no,’ the young woman answers, ‘I’ve hardly begun to enjoy using the remote control.’”

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A little old lady of ninety goes to the doctor complaining of terrible flatulence.

She tells him she is otherwise in perfect health, but the constant wind is very uncomfortable. She adds, "But I'm so grateful that at least it isn't embarassing. You see, the remarkable thing is, it's always completely silent and it doesn't smell at all. You would have no idea, but I've actually passed wind at least fifteen times just during this appointment."

The doctor agrees that is indeed remarkable, and he prescribes the old lady a course of tablets and tells her to come back the next week.

When she returns, she isn't happy. She tells the doctor that she doesn't think the tablets he prescribed have done her any good at all. She still passes wind just as much, and although it is still completely silent, now it smells absolutely terrible.

The doctor nods. "Excellent. Now we've cleared up your sinus problems, let's see what we can do about your hearing."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

A few from the vault…

Your editor has frequent late nights

As he thinks, researches and writes,

Remembering as I sit

That tempus fugit,

To bring you each daily Bytes.

Courtesy of my father in law, Noel:

On the chest of a barmaid at Yale

Were tattooed the prices of ale,

And on her behind

For the sake of the blind

The same information in braille.

There was a young lady from Hyde

Who ate a green apple and died.

The apple fermented

Inside the lamented,

And made cider inside her inside.

From the crypt of Justin St Giles

Came a scream that resounded for miles.

Said the vicar "Goodness gracious!

Has Father Ignatius

Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"

A preoccupied vegan named Hugh

picked up the wrong sandwich to chew.

He took a big bite

before spitting, in fright,

"OMG, WTF, BBQ!"

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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My buddy convinced me to join this group.

They were a little odd, and were really into colors. They ascribed religious meaning to wavelengths of light. They thought the most pure form of light had wavelengths between 490 and 520 nm. They told me those came directly from God. It took me a while, but I finally realized I had joined the Church of Cyantology.

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My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding

She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!

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A divorce court judge said to the husband, “I have reviewed this case very carefully, and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honour,” he replied. “And every now and then, I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

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What did Yoda say to Princess Leia after separating with Han Solo?

May divorce be with you.

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Judge: “On what grounds do you want a divorce?”

Husband: “My wife is out all night, every night! From bar to bar, almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every day!”

Judge: “You mean to say she’s severely alcoholic and cheats on you every day?”

Husband: “No, she’s out looking for me!”