FUNNY FRIDAY

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A plethora of humour, including a repeat of one of my favourites, but be warned, there is risqué content.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

When I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

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A guy is out running in the park.

He sees an older man sitting on a bench with an upset look on his face. The guy waves it off and continues his run.

Another lap later, he sees an older woman sitting on that same bench with the older guy, both of them looking upset. Again, the runner waves it off, but this time his curiosity has been piqued.

Every time he passes by them, the runner still sees that its occupants look upset. When he finishes his final lap, he decides to stop.

"Okay, I've been running laps by this bench here," the runner says. "And every time I've passed by it, I see you two sitting there looking upset. What's going on?"

The man answers. "Come, sit down and we'll explain why."

So the runner looks at his watch. "Yeah, sure, I'm done with my run anyway." He sits down on the bench next to the man and woman. "So, what's the problem?"

"The problem?" the woman asks. "They just painted this bench."

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I've decided to produce my own line of cologne and body spray.

I've taken samples of sweat and body odour from various groups of people as inspiration for the scent.

I'm going to call it Eau de Humanity.

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A man is wandering deep in the forest when he comes upon a strange looking pub...

The man walks inside and is immediately greeted by the barkeep.

"What can I get you?" the barkeep asks.

"I'll just have a beer," the man replies.

"Unfortunately, the guy who just left drank our last beer," the barkeep says. "However, I do have another drink I can offer you... the Elixir of the Forest Elves."

"What's that?" the man inquires.

"Ah," the barkeep responds. "It's a potent mix of dragon blood, unicorn hair, and fairy tears."

The man thinks for a moment. "Alright, I'll try one of those."

The barkeep gets to work behind the bar, mixing the mystical ingredients: lights flash, colours change, smoke billows. He returns with a goblet, its contents bubbling out of the sides.

Intrigued, the man takes a nervous sip.

"Jesus Christ," the man exclaims. "That tastes horrible."

"No shit," says the barkeep. "Why do you think the last guy drank all the beer?

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What type of elf is the rudest?

A go fuck yours elf.

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I have posted this a number of times previously but it is so good that it is worth posting regularly. I even respond sometimes to people’s comments by saying “Plethora. That means a lot.”

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A man is at the funeral of an old friend.

He tentatively approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."

The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."

Another man comes up and asks for the same privilege. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Earth." The widow replies, "Thank you, that means the world."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a couple words. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Being alive." The widow replies, "Thank you, he would have liked that."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Infinity". The widow replies, "Thank you, that means more than you could possibly imagine."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Fhqwhgads". The widow replies: "Thanks, you don't know what that means."

Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a few words too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “The Mariana Trench.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that’s really deep.”

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a few words too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "water pit". The widow replies: "Thanks, I know you mean well."

Another man approaches the widow and says: “I’m truly sorry for your loss, he was a great man.”

The widow replies: “I’m not sure you understand what’s happening here.”

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There once was a pious young priest

Who lived almost wholly on yeast

"For," he said, "It is plain

We must all rise again

And I want to get started, at least."

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GALLERY:

(Thanks, Vince)

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RELIGION SPOT

Two bees meet at a city intersection

Bee #1 says "Hey, how's it going?"

Bee #2 replies, "Terrible. I can't find any flowers worth talking about in the city. You're looking good though."

Bee #1 responds, "Yeah, life here is treating me well. Listen, go 3 blocks north of here, then 2 blocks west. There is a bar mitzvah going on and they have flowers everywhere."

Bee #2 thanks him and flies off to the north, following the directions.

A few hours later, our bees cross paths again.

Bee #1 comments, "Hey, you're looking much better now. Looks like it went well for you at the bar mitzvah. But what's that on your head?"

Bee #2 replies, "It's a yarmulke. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

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CORN CORNER:

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I recently visited Australia, it’s such a nasty, horrible place…

Everyone I met told me to “go die”.

(According to one commenter:

Aussie here. G’day really doesn’t sound like ‘go die’.

According to another:

I didn’t laugh at this joke. I just smiled and gave you a vegemite sandwich.

Still another:

“Sounds like “G’day mate.” A common Aussie greeting. They just kinda flubbed the delivery by forgetting the “mate” part of the expression.)

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I avoid using long words.

It's counterproductive and obfuscatory.

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My fear of palindromes is really starting to affect my life, so I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.

The bastard gave me Xanax.

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What kind of car does the president of the palindrome society own?

A Toyota

 

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