FUNNY FRIDAY

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A mixed bag of chortles, snorts, laughs and giggles today, readers, which includes some risque content, so ne warned.

Enjoy the weekend.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well,” the man said, “once I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked over his bike, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. ‘Now leave her alone!’ I yelled.””

St. Peter was impressed: “When did this happen?”

“Just a couple of minutes ago.”

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A drunk staggered from the bar, careened down the street, and somehow managed to make it up the stairs into the cathedral. Once inside, he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A young priest had observed his trajectory and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. The priest sat silence, finally beginning to wonder if the man had passed out. “May I help you, my son?” he asked.

“I dunno,” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any paper on your side?”

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A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."

"Yes?.." says the surgeon.

"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves, and put it all back together so it works good as new.. We basically do the same job don't we? And yet you are paid ten times what I am - how do you explain that?"

The surgeon thought for a moment, and smiling gently, replied, "Try it with the engine running

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Whoever coined the term ‘delivery’ for childbirth made a big mistake.

It should have been called takeout instead.

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A woman is walking home with her 3 children.

The oldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"

"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose.”

The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.

"Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."

The third child, a boy, says "HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?! DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!!!"

"Shut up, Brick.”

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A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."

"Got it," she says, slipping off her panties and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."

He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.

"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your panties!"

"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

An awful old bounder. McGee

Used to think he could dip his wick free.

But a harlot named Charlotte

Remarked with a snarl, ‘It

Is business, not pleasure, with me.’

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GALLERY:

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LAW & LAWYERS

The stranger approached the pastor after service and said, “I’d like you to pray for my hearing.”

The pastor placed his hands on the man’s ears and said a passionate, earnest prayer.

“How’s your hearing now?” the pastor asked.

Looking surprised, the man said, “Well, it’s not until tomorrow.”

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CORN CORNER:

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Elton John's pet rabbit is small, but in very good shape.

It's a little fit bunny.

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I can't get the damn qsn to work...

Oh, wait, I had the usb upside down

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The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory.

Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

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My mum suffers with memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mum’s got it too

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How many Germans do you need to change a lightbulb?

One, we are very efficient and not funny

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I asked my German friend, “What’s a three letter word for compete?”

Friend: Vie.

Me: Because I’m trying to finish a crossword.

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Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise

He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

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