FINAL FUNNY FRIDAY

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Mary.

Mary who?

Mary Christmas!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Anna.

Anna who?

Anna happy new year!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, Byters and readers.

This is the last Funny Friday of 2023 so hopefully it will be a humorous and jolly note to end on.

Caution, however,there is risue content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

__________

Before I agree to 2024, I'm going to need to see the terms and conditions.

__________

My New Year's resolution is not to procrastinate. I'll start tomorrow.

__________

Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year's Eve—it's December 31.

__________

I'm not buying a 2024 calendar until I see the trailer.

__________

I went to my GP and admitted that I can't have sex any more. Every time I start to get frisky with a girl I suddenly start thinking about turtles or iguanas or lizards or crocodiles or geckos and then I can't get a boner.

The doc said I've got a reptile dysfunction.

__________

I've opened a gym, in which the instructors would go from door to door and brag about the various benefits of joining it.

I've named it 'Jehovah's Fitness'.

__________

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-raising, isn't it?"

The rest of the story gets rather ugly.

__________

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was'a da treep?"

Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down."

"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'aforward to da trip. All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket.

"The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.'

"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino.

Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car.'

"So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar.

The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car.'

"We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.

Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed.

And then here come’a the conductor, he come'a through the car yelling, 'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!'"

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It was early New Years Eve when my new wife announced she was not well, and we would have to put off our plans for the evening. Later in the day after we had rang everyone and explained why we couldn’t make the party, I was invited out for a night with “the boys.” I told my new bride that I would be home by midnight … promise!

Well, one tall tale led to another while everyone bought me drinks. Before I knew it, it was almost 3:00 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, I took a cab home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness — even when smashed — to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning, the missus asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o’clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said “Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said ‘Dang it,’ cuckooed another 4 times, belched and broke wind, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice and then giggled.”

__________

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

An original limerick by moi . . .

I hope 2024's a blast.

Unlike the year that has passed,

However I fear

The coming new year

Will be just the same as the last.

Said a man to his spouse in East Sydenham,

“My best trousers! Now where have you hydenham?

It is perfectly true

They were not very new

But I foolishly left half a quidenham.”

(For the benefit of US readers, a “quid” is Brit slang (and Oz slang before we went decimal in 1966) for the pound unit of currency.)

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

__________

One of my resolutions is to take more risks.

I then had a Quality Street without looking at the flavour

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My New Year’s Evolution is to learn how to spell

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How do they say “Happy New Year” in Australia?

ɹɐǝ⅄ ʍǝN ʎddɐH